Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Returning to His Embrace.

I havent written in a while.

To get some kind of inspiration to write I went back and read all of my 251 previous posts.

I want the passion that I had when I first started writing. And it wasnt a passion for writing it was a passion for gaining in the knowledge of Christ Jesus our Lord and Savior. It was at the end of every post praising and thanking God for yet another, sometimes tiny, blessing He had bestowed upon me. As I read these paragraphs, it is almost as if I feel like I am reading someone else's words.

At one point I wrote this:

"I want to shine for Him. Am i doing that? I want to be living solely for Him. Can people see that? In my everyday life i want to spread His joy. Do people notice that? Have the people in my past seen a change in me? Have I encouraged someone to walk in the Lord? There are people younger than me in my life, am i showing them Christ in my actions? Have I impacted someones life? Do i scream Be My Everything loud enough that people hear? These questions i ask myself because i want them all the to happen one day. If not today or tomorrow i want to accomplish them in my life time."

Now I truly wonder this! I think I have sunk into a pit of thinking that I am secure and that I don't need to DO anything. Yes I went through this life changing year, this past school year, but that gives me NOOO excuse to just sit around now and pretend that I am "doing." It actually means that I have a lot more work to do! There is a world that doesnt know their Savior! I am called to be a missionary...whether that is right here on North Carolina soil or if it is across the earth's surface.

During this time in this pit, lets just call it that, I was constantly being tempted by the devil with doubts and fears. But I shall state it right here and now that God is bigger and He is capible of tearing those doubts and fears away and He comforts his afflicted ones. [ 1 corinthinians 1: 3-7 ]

" 'I trust in You. I trust in You. I believe Your my healer. I believe your all i need. I believe...'

I know I have heard this song over and over again but really every time I listen to it gives me so much hope and adoration for this outrageously loving God. And even when I am in pain or i see someone I love in pain it brings be back to realizing I need to come back to Him and only Him because He is my healer, He is faithful, He is loving without limits, He is gracious, He is more than enough for me."

Praise God for He is Faithful!

Coming back to Him,

Saturday, June 20, 2009

New Life Camp '09

So camp.

Camp was awesome! I just don't know where to begin.

My cabin was awesome. All but one were my friends before camp and so that was just such a blessing. Not to mention my counselor was a girl who had gone to my youth group before she graduated. So it was great getting to know her more than I did before. It was so awesome.

But something that had the most impact to me was something that New Life Camp has on Tues. and Thursday night. It's called Campfire. Which, obviously, is a campfire but instead of just sitting around the campfire just hanging out you were allowed to go up to the microphone and tell your testimony or just something God has shown you the last few days or the past year. So many teens went up and shared.

On tuesday night during Campfire I sat there and listened to a number of people get up. I sat there and argued with God. I was just repeating "No God, I really dont want to get up. Please no. I dont want to. God please. No God. No." and then I felt myself standing and then walking to the stage. My heart was racing and my breathing was almost non-existent. I do not like public speaking. I mean I used to be much much worse but now I'm not even that good at it. But i was walking up in front of probably 200 people and I was going to talk. Huh, how was this gunna go? I walked up the steps and then i said "Hi everyone, my name is Stephanie and I'm from the Courage." And then words just flowed from my mouth. And I am so glad that I went up there. Just to let that go from inside of me was insanely freeing.

There are so many things I wish to share about camp but I would much rather explain them in person.

So if you know me please ask about it I will definitely have much to tell.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Goodbye for Now

Last post for a while...a while being a week.
Im heading off to camp in about 16 hours. Im gunna go to church, say goodbye, change and leave.

I'll miss everyone. Have a good week Blogger people, whoever you are.


Thoughts While Packing.

I am sitting in my bedroom packing and listening to Patty Griffin Radio on Pandora. My left over Papa John's Pizza and empty Coke can are sitting next to me. Im just sitting and thinking.

I dont exactly know what I am thinking at this moment. I go to camp in less than 24 hours. I'm not excited but I'm not dreading it either. But I am going to miss everyone. I mean, NO communication between me and anyone outside of those woods. That means NO talking to Whitney, NO talking to family, NO talking to Jess, I would say NO talking to Catherine but she is coming one night yay =], NO talking to Indie...which is pretty big guys!, NO talking to Bryant on our continuing messages back and forth, NO talking to Katie at late hours of the night!! All of which saddens me, except for Cat coming for a visit!

And if you knew me, you would know that when you thought of would not be the first thought; at all. I mean I'm not one of those ditzy girls that only cares about their apperance or chipping a nail but I am just not what you call sporty. [although i just bought new shorts that could trick someone into believing I am!] But a couple, well several of my friends are going and we are all going to be in the same cabin [if all worked out] and we will have a blast together, i just know it. The idea of camp never excited me...but with them I think it could be great!

I know I will have fun...i just have to get there first!

Thanking Jess for this lovely night of music for my packing adventures,

The Liar with a Smile.

I just lied.

But it wasnt just a simple stupid lie like "I have a pair of lucky jeans." It was a lie that I despised and hated the words...actually word that came out of my mouth as I spoke it. It was because I lied to a person that I never lie to. I tell her everything and I hold nothing back from her. She is my mentor and I have no reason to lie to her. But I lied straight to her face, with a smile. So the minutes following the lie...7 minutes to be exact... I just loathed myself and my stupid tongue for spitting out that insane lie. Even though this lie is common and is spoken from a person's mouth at least once a week, probably more. I hated it, I couldn't stand it! So I called her. Believe me, every moment that the phone rang I wanted to hang up, I wanted her not to answer, and I wanted to have never pressed "Send." But I had to do it and I knew that.

And then she said "Hello."

We talked for about 30 sitting on my back porch, crying and her probably in her apartment parking lot being all controlled and stable. It was exactly what I needed.

I wish I could write more about it...just because I like writing about things in my life, but...

  1. that would mean I would be telling this world called the Internet about things that it is really none of their business. And I really dont mean that in an offensive way, but i just mean literally it is none of their business.
  2. This time I have and the talks I have with this one person...i do not share. They are things between the two of us and God.
  3. I feel as if I cannot write very much on here anymore. Not pertaining to my personal life and my "feelings" i guess. There are now too many people that read this blog for that. I started this as a way to write and express me and my thoughts by writing, but now I cannot fully express because I am not that open of a person and some things just shouldnt be shared with all.
Crying makes me exhausted! Maybe I'll get to talk to this person soon...yeah schedules are probably going to reject that idea, but a girl can hope.

Tomorrow I'll write about why she was here in the first place,

Friday, June 12, 2009

His Plans are Better

Im a Junior.
This is the summer before my junior year of high school AND I have already been asked THE Question of the Year.
"So do you know where you are going to college?" OR "Where do you want to go to college?"
At the beginning of the year I had a folder that was labeled "Steph's College/Degree Choices" I was so planned. I had everything in order.
  • I wanted to work with tech.
  • I wanted to go to college and major in one of three choices [in which all had to do with tech.]
  • I wanted to travel around the country or the world with a band or with a youth conference.
Seriously...I had everything worked out.
But God decided He would remind me that He is in control. After planning and making sure I did everything i could possibly do to obtain more and more experience and knowledge, I now am completely unsure of where my life is headed. And yes that scares the poop out of me! But I have to trust. He is better and better are His plans.
So I actively wait.
This could so turn into a 5 topic post because there are so many things that are passing through my brain right now...but I'll wait for those.

Sitting in the apt, listening to Lauren McCuistion's voice and just relaxing.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Poetry at Early Morning Hours

I was watching a movie in which the two main characters hold hands in one scene and it was beautiful. It made me long to write about nerdy am I?

The touch of his hand.
So simple and soft.
A touch, something that should be worth nothing.
For my hand to be held within the grasp of his.
Such a feeling I have never felt,
But oh how I long for the moment of touch.
It is at that moment when caring and feelings are passed between one to another
A moment of happiness that is shared and pulses through connection between fingers and palms.
A simple touch that should be worth nothing,
But feels like so much.

Just a bit of silliness really...but i hope you enjoyed it.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Summery Porch Loveliness

I find that my favorite thing about summer is sitting outside on my porch till the early morning hours.

Seriously there is just something about the combination of my porch, the night sky, the summer air, usually a coke/coffee, computer, and the late night. It makes me super happy. Especially when I have had a great day to just ponder over. Such as today. It started off with me waking up at 12:30pm...first day of summer and I am already solid at the sleeping technique! Then I went shopping for camp and then to a friends church!

Now the church thing needs a paragraph...So I went to this bible study and I met up with my friend Sarah and then with Bryant! Bryant brought his sisters along which was awesome because I havent seen them in YEARS! It was great! Lauren and Morgan were both joys to be around. We had such a good time bowling together after the bible study and then going to Starbucks after that! Oh man I hope i get to hang with them more often! And I dont want them to leave in a couple weeks! =[ But its okay, Lauren and I are going to write each other! That will be super fun!

Well I am going to continue to sit and relish this summer night!

All Honor, All Glory, All Power Belongs to You

Wow I dont even know what just happened, but God just put words into my lips.
Praise God. Thats all I can say right now!


Tuesday, June 9, 2009

O boitshepo

Lightning is striking fiercely throughout the skies tonight. The winds blow between the leaves of the trees making their voices cry out in their soft praises. The trees are bowing towards the ground in worship. The elements of the storm cry out to God..."Oh glorious God, YOU ARE WORTHY!"

"We cry holy holy holy,
we cry holy holy holy
We cry holy holy holy is the Lamb."

We cry worthy worthy worthy,
Oh we cry worthy worthy worthy.
We cry worthy worthy worthy is the Lamb

Lord as the rain hits the earth with praise and the thunder yells with adoration I too want that passion. I want the passion of the storms! How amazing is that!

"Re o bama
Re i koba
Naong tsa go Jesu

Lo lorato
Le legolo
Naong tsa go Jesu

O boitshepo, boitshepo
O boitshepo, boitshepo
O boitshepo, boitshepo
O kwana"

That is We Fall Down in the Setswana language. I just heard Chris Tomlin sing this song in Setwana and I listened to it so many times that I can now sing it in Setswana!

Now I sing out with the rain, thunder, lightning, trees, and leaves. I sing not only in the English language...a language that everyone thinks is the superior language, whatever!...but also in an African language.

There are sooo many ways to praise God! There are so many languages to praise God! Praise God with everything you have!

Going to go to sleep to the sound of the Earth praising,

Welcome to my Home Summer!

I feel like Nemo but instead of screaming "First day of school" I'm screaming last day of school!

Oh man, it's here! 3 1/2 hours of class left and I am uber excited about it! I am now listening to John Mayer, there is just something about him that makes me think Summer. I have a tank top, rustic jeans [or just jeans with holes in them], and flip-flops. I am a bit tan, enough to have a tan line on my chest and even my finger has a tan from my ring. Yesterday I spent the entire day with the girls...which included the birthday girl, the pool. We just hung out, tanned, got wet, laughed, had a picnic...oh the fun, oh summer!

In my bag that I have packed for school today I have included such essencials as... a fully charged camera, a fully charged iPod, paper for doodles, water, and a little snack. I mean, I am going to be in a classroom for 3 hours; I am not going to be using that entire time for my English Exam. And Abbey is going to be with me! Ahh. I love this day!

Alrighty I need to be off.

-Smily Summery Stephie

Monday, June 8, 2009

Moonlight Prayers.

I am looking at the moon, admiring its curve and the yellow glow that surrounds it's exterior. The past few days I have been thinking...[ I know...WHOA Steph is thinking!] I have been thinking about what or who I feel like I am dependent on.

-adjective Relying on Someone or something else for aid, support, etc...

That is the formal definition of Dependent, as of I depend too much on people. Too much on Whit, Jess, and Cat. I will admit to it. My sister is my best friend, Jess is my mentor, Cat is an unbelievable friend and someone that I look up to for guidance. They are all my friends...I laugh with them, I do silly things with them, I sit up at 12am watching movies with them, I lie in bed on the weekends and listen to them as I doze off myself. But then sometimes I look up to them too much. I find that they consume my thoughts. When what my thoughts should be focused on is Christ and His name being proclaimed through my actions and not what "the girls" will like or whatever. Each one of them are amazing...but that is because they have Christ in their lives. If Whit didnt have Christ...well lets just not talk about that, If Cat didn't have I can imagine her probably being a horrendously mean person, If Jess didn't know Christ...her fiery Ray temper would definitely get the best of her. Their best qualities are brought out by Christ Himself shining His light through them.

But instead of leaning on the Lord I go straight to them and their human flesh something that I relate to. I want for Jess to see when I need to talk to her because I just don't have the guts to ask. I want Catherine to look into my eyes and see that things arent okay. And I want Whitney not to look through me because I dont want her to see that Im weak. But the thing dumb. They are human...and even though they are awesome and amazing; they are human. I am human. I cannot be dependent on things and people...God is the only dependable thing. Oh how I forget this and I am sure to forget again. But I can come back to Him!!!! He will open His arms and say to me "My silly daughter, come and I will help."

Oh just imagine being able to run into His open arms!! AHHHH It is unfathomable. But it just sounds so great! Imagine the most amazing hug you have ever been held in and multiply that by a number you can't even pronounce that ends in -illion.

My prayers are strong; May I look to You more than them. Let them guide me to You but may my heart be focused on You alone and not what they say!

Praying by the light of the moon,

Live at 6:20am from the Drummond Basement.

The real reason I am up this early is to study for a french exam...haha. If yall know me, yall know that I cannot study...meaning it is physically impossible for me study material. So instead, why not update you blogger people on my life for the past few days.

So the weekend was great!

Friday night...Nates Grad Party and then getting in trouble for being on a playground at 12am...yep.

Saturday night...Bonfire at Abbey's and then back to my house for a drive in movie, Drummond Household style for Sambird's birthday! We watched the movie Hook and ate things such as homemade Funnel Cakes. It was fantastic.

But now I have to figure a few things out...things that arent clicking in my head and things that I just need to work out with God. Usually I would ask for help on this type of thing but thats not going to happen this week. I just can't ask this week and its not that I just dont want to its something more than that. And Im not even sure of the situation either so I can't explain it.

My brain works like an equation...

a + b = c

Some things are harder equations and some are easy. But my brain works in a way so that I am always trying to figure something out. But sometimes there are missing variables and confusing conclusions. Right now there are about 20 different equations going on within my mind but two are dominating my thoughts because these two I am struggling on, these two i just want to fix but I am missing variables.

And I am too much of an observant person!! I have trained myself over the years to practically be paranoid...I mean I dont like freak out or anything but I have trained myself to notice everything! So now I see when something is up or something is wrong but sometimes I just can't help because it isnt my place. Im such of a hands on helper. I want to be right there next to the problem of next to the person that is struggling, I want to help. But then its not my place. just ranting at 6:40am and now i have to go take a French II Exam. Then to the pool with Whitta. =]

Laying it all at the Father's feet,

Friday, June 5, 2009


Im Sooooooooooooo sorrryyyy!!!

You know I love you soo much!!!

Forgive me?

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Can I be a Bird?


Today was surprisingly awesome!

It started off by paying off fines in the library...seriously if you check out more than 3 books you should get more than 2 weeks to read them! But anyway, that was sort of a closing or a capping of the year. I was done! I have turned in all but one of my textbooks for my classes [one French II book to go]

I went to first period, Civics, took a practice EOC and longed to be the bird that was perched outside of the window I sit next to. She sang so beautifully and was just so happy to be bathing in the morning sunlight. And when she flew the breeze lifted her up so she could she world around her; she just was so content. And then the bell rang, the robotic-lab-rat signal to go to your next class.

I went to second period, Creative Writing II, and finished up watching a movie that was just not my cup of tea but it was a movie. When that concluded we had the option of writing an advertisement or just clean her room...we chose to clean her room haha. And then a signal that brought happiness to almost everyone...the fire alarm! =] We filed out of our classes, all 3,000 of us, and broke through the barriers of the Learning Prison and out into the bright sun and the open air. And for 8 mins laughter and talking was allowed and encouraged because we were almost half way through our day and we were outside!!

I went to third period, French II. Don't be fooled by the roman numeral 2, i dont know French. We are just going to skip this class and continue on until we get to lunch.

I went to lunch with 4 of the coolest high school girls i know! We laughed and talked and just had a great last lunch together! I even bought them braclets from Remember Nhu and Lifted Events.
So now we all have bracelets to remember our best lunch semester ever! And Abbey and I have the funnest times! I mean when we are together alone...we just can't stop laughing! Standing in line in the cafeteria to get we just have the funniest moments! haha.

I went to fourth period, English, with Abbey! We entered the walls of the room and expected to be bored by the endless amounts of review we had ahead of us. But then we remembered! Our class had all gone in together and bought our teacher an ice cream cake that said " We Will Miss You Mrs. Howson!" Which in actuality her name is Ms. Bryan but she is getting married in July and that is what her name will be. So our class decided she needed to get used to her name being Mrs. Howson so we have called her that for the last two weeks! haha. But anyway, when she saw the cake she started to cry and just fumbled out thank yous and how this was the nicest thing any of her students have ever done for her. And then she said what ever student longs for their teacher to say everyday "How about we just eat cake and watch a movie, huh?"!!!! I really am gunna miss her...i dont like that she is moving to New Jersey! I say her fiance should move down here! Well anyway, Abbey and I got to watch Troy while eating Ice Cream Cake and cookies while continually laughing and random things like how i feel out of my chair or how we hate watching people making out on film! haha. We had a great day!

Then I went out the doors and into the sunny Wednesday and away from the full days of school! Woo Hoo. Now all i have are exam and I never worry about exams just because i feel like if i stress then it will just end badly. I would much rather just be mad at myself later when i find out my final grades.

And now i am watching a video of Jess singing and then at the end of this video Jess yells "You're recording this!!" haha unfortunately this video is for my personal viewing only or i shall suffer the consequences of a Ray...which i dont like the thought of that! haha.

So overall great day! Now i just have to get through the next 2 and a half hours until cell group and then i have to get through those hours without doing anything stupid, like crying.


Tuesday, June 2, 2009

I'm Falling.

I just need to hold on.

God lend out Your hand so I may grasp hold of it!


Monday, June 1, 2009

Happy New Music List for Sambird

All the new albums coming out in the next year!

  • Imogen Heap
  • John Mayer
  • Eisley
  • Hillsong
  • The Weepies
  • Paramore
  • Brooke Fraser
  • Jessica Lyndon Ray
  • Michael Alvarado
  • Samantha Whitfield EP [Hopefully, Maybe...Please!]
And I feel like Im missing someone...if so please tell me!

Weepie Happiness

Tonight I decided to put The Weepies on.

I just feel like they are so summery! AND they are working on their next album which makes me so happy! I just love listening to them on a hot day with the windows open! It just makes me happy!

So im going to continue to listen to The Weepies and be happy that I only have 2 more full days of school left! yay!

Happy Stephie

The Thoughts in the Mornng Hours

I have been blessed.

God has blessed me with so many things in my life. Amazing people, awesome memories, and a continuing life for Him.

It is morning now, only 6:30am. I got ready unusually fast this morning so I decided to get on the computer and check a few things. Then I started looking through my pictures. There were so many things I have done in the past year or so. From meeting new people that have become family to becoming a stage manager, to getting baptized [!], to going to the beach with a band and taking pictures...500 to be exact haha. Each one of those memories are fantastic! Jess and Catherine have become not only sisters to myself and my sister but also daughters to my parents. Being a stage manager was a spectacular experience, whether i want to continue it or not. Wow, the moments leading up towards my baptism were amazing! From just the moments during youth group the months before to standing in the water with my youth pastor crying my eyes out and proclaiming His name on my life. Oh the band, what can i say about the band? I adore "the band" haha i just realized that i just kept saying "the band" which in actuality is Jessica Lyndon Ray. But that weekend was amazing. That band has such a big place in my heart. I adore helping them out with anything and everything they need! That weekend was fantastic. They just played and practiced together while i just took so many pictures and video. But you wanna know my favorite part? Those nights when Jess and I would go to bed. Haha. Because then it was just us and we laid in the bed, at the beach, and just talked. I remember falling asleep with a smile on my face those nights.

Do you know what i just remembered? I got shoved my Carly Brown last night! I didnt know she could shove! haha. That was a funny!

But now i have to go... school starts in about 30 min haha.