High School vs. College

Ah, i have mixed feelings tonight. Really just about one subject in particular, college vs. high school. Let the arguments begin.

I love high school! It is so much fun and there are so many great opportunities being in high school. I love the environment of high school and books and the homework and the responsibilities. I love the chance to learn with your friends. I love staying after. Compared to college it feels safe and sheltered. I love how we have a principle that can let you get into the school if you get locked out. I just love it.

BUT...

I just feel like i will adore college. The freedom of it, the importance. Meeting new people, taking fun classes that lead to my major. Becoming a real lighing and sound techie! I just cant wait, it is going to be awesome! But i am scared that i might leave, i don't want to leave this place where i love and i have people that love me. But i am willing to go wherever God guides me. I want to go to a college that has a small town, a beautiful town. I just went to the town of WF tonight and i think i fall more in love with it every time i enter those streets. It is a quiet small town with a seminary in the middle with gorgeous steeples and brick buildings and a stone wall the follows the edge of the property. There are big oak trees that wistle when the wind passes through them and a railroad that runs behind downtown. When you come to the main downtown, it is two rows of brick buildings and i am just in love with it. If i could choose one place where i live to go and spend my time, it would be outside in downtown WF. ahh.

Well by the end of this discussion with myself i kinda got side tracked but that's me.

Still undecided,

Steph

The last 111 hours

The last few days have been a blur of going to sleep too late and waking up way too early for my tired mind. Monday through Friday up by 6:00am [ if not earlier, depending on homework] and sleep by 10:30pm [if I'm lucky]. And here i go with my list of this week... school, tech work, Fletcher Theatre, incomplete room, incomplete wardrobe, Reports, papers, tests, quizzes, lockers, birthdays, friends, a big long hug that i wanted/needed last night, running from 1st floor to 3rd floor back to 1st floor and then to 2nd floor everyday, lighting inventory, hanging lights, apartment, laughter, smiles, secrets being shared and surprised at, apparently "having a life", joking around with a good friend, talking to someone i haven't talked to in years, eating cheese doodles, falling asleep with music on, listening to "Fall" music, missing a couple of people, watched a sunrise, was in tears calling out to God to show me what I can do for Him, sat in a room listening to great worship music with a bunch of friends, stood in the rain, smiled just for the sake of smiling, looked up to her even more, and plenty of other things but that would be a very long post.

Friday is on its way,

Steph

My little lift.

I love how one comment from someone, one hug, one smile, one wink can just make your day! I just had one of those lovely comments and i am so thankful for the ones that come my way. Today i was just tired... like mentally and physically and those 7 words just made a smile come to my face. They gave me a little lift to this mostly dry day.

Oh how i love my friends!

Steph♥

Lovely!

I am so freaking excited right now and the thing is i am under firm orders not to reveal why!!! It is so awesome and oh my gosh [ pronounced as if Heather was saying it ]!!! I just hope something happens with this news i was just given in all secrecy. Oh but i wish i could tell someone! Cause it is spectacular and i am so happy! Ahhhh. Okay now calming down so i can get some sleep! hehe.

Ahh that one,

Steph

Realizing my true home.

Have you ever moved? Away from everything you know and love and it be completely permanent? This is your thought process... I hate this place and i will never like it! then a year later... Okay its not bad but it will never be home! Then two years later... Oh my gosh i could never leave this place this IS home. It may not be like this for everyone but for me that's what it was. I cant believe how much my life has changed in the past three years of my life. I still remember that night when i found out that my family was moving. You wanna know what my response was..."Are you serious?" 4 months later i left straight from my school at 3:20pm to my new house in a whole different city. And now, whoa now, 2 years 3 months and 1 day later, I can't imagine myself ever leaving [but I don't know God's plan for my life yet]. I have so many amazing things here and so many things that i have learned and have gained by living here! I have gained a relationship with Christ Jesus my Lord that I have never had before. I have gained unbelievably amazing friends that i just adore. I have gained a teacher/mentor. I have gained two make-believe sisters. I have found out what i want to do with my life [as of now, its all up to God]. I love this place and I love that God placed me here even though I was pressing on my brakes the entire way! I realized throughout all of this, I am home anywhere i go cause Christ is my home and He is never away from me.

Thanks for knowing what is better for me Lord,

Steph

Crying Out To Him!

Wow, tonight! amazing wonderful crazy spectacular flattening... those are few of the endless words that could describe my feelings the entire night. It is one night i will remember my whole lifetime.

Stef May, i don't even know her very well but i heard her speak tonight and found out that she is an amazing woman! She spoke and we were captivated, she asked and we answered, she loved and made us want that love. I listened to one of the best sermons i have heard tonight and was shattered into a million pieces. The best kind of night is the one where you are in tears over Christ Jesus our Lord! This was definitely the one of those best nights.

Good gosh! All i want to do is scream out to God with every fiber of my being...BE MY EVERYTHING! I want to know his plans for my life so i can shine and praise Him all the days of my life. I hear that i am going to do something big with my life but WHAT? Am heading in the direction that You are wanting me to go God? I WANT YOU GOD! Why should anything on earth be of my desire when You are available to all that call on You sincerely? I am crying out to You, Lord, "I Will Choose To Call On Christ In Me"

When things started to come to a close and as the band began to play those words above the tears had begun to stain my face. I walked into that room with awaiting arms open and a time of prayer was what I needed. After my breathing came back to normal and there were only remnants of my tears in my eyes i emerged to an others comforting arms. She said something to me that means so much to me! and i want her to know that ( i love you Cat).

At the end of the night to top everything off, we had a MASH (meet at someones house). It was so great to laugh with my friends. To joke and play around with some of my favorite people in the world. I am still smiling over some of the happenings that went on at that house tonight! haha.

And again the only disappointment was that i didn't get to spend as much time with that one friend i have been meaning to talk to. Every time I think i am about to I chicken out, mostly cause of some lame reason like I don't want to bother her with me or she is busy or something along those lines. But i know if i really did come to her and say can i talk to you, she would be more than happy. It is just me sometimes...if you haven't figured out already i am shy and a little weird all rolled into one.

Falling asleep with the tear stains on my face,

Steph

I got my sunrise.

Outside sitting on a red chair i watched as the sun rose over the earth. What a beautiful sight that was. The air around me was cool but not cold and warm but not hot. I was enveloped in the wet crystal Sunday morning. As i sat waiting for the sun to fully break through the bondage of the night, a lonely bird sang out to the heavens. Why doesn't the world see that? Why don't they see how great God is? He made THIS! This wonderful, magnificent place of life.

It is written, Christ is risen!

Steph

The Last 24 hours

I am sitting on my bed [ wow MY bed...weird] so sleepy my fingers cant find the right keys to press. I come to find out tonight that if i don't eat two meals in a row and the dinner the night before... my blood sugar runs low and i get real sleepy and headachey, weird huh. Anywho my day...my day was just full of trying to get through it. Lots of things on my mind and cleaning to do. I didn't get anytime alone with God and that just weakened my spirits even more. As the night came i was recruited to do some slide work for this big worship night my church was holding tonight, the one thing i was excited about the whole day. So i got all dressed, i love looking pretty hehe. And to the church i went. I wish i could have focused on the night more but i had task at hand that had to be dealt with but my friend came up to me right before it started and took me aside and told me to focus on Christ the entire night and have my task take the backseat. So i did and it was amazing, although some moments i got distracted but i tried my hardest to keep on the Lord. The one thing that bugged me about tonight was that i got about a total of 5 mins with a friend that i wanted to talk about an hour with. I needed her hug, i needed her advice, i needed her guidance, i needed her strength, i needed her reassurance, i just needed her. But there is always a tomorrow right?

hoping for that sunrise tomorrow,

Steph

Inspiration

Wow, me, an inspiration! Cant you believe it? I sure cant! I am just me, nothing more nothing less. How can the things i do inspire people? I am so glad it has but, whoa seriously? Thank you God for letting something that i am passionate about shown and spread to others!

Here's that smile again,

Steph

The End.

So here it comes, the end. Tomorrow its official, no more. I've been too busy to see it...well let me correct myself on that one, I've been keeping myself busy so i didn't have to see it. I have heard all of these "comforts" or the things people say to make you feel better about it, Its a good thing, Things aren't going to change that much, Our relationship will grow because of this, We are only ten minutes away, we will be over all the time, you will be over all the time, and [worst] you will get your own room now. THERE IS NO COMFORT IN THAT STATEMENT RIGHT THERE! That reminds me that i am going to be alone, that there is no one in my family that i get along with like we do. And i know that all of these statements were meant in a good way but every time i hear one the lump just grows in my throat. I am standing looking out onto this big huge thing called the Unknown and it scares me. Tomorrow i will be sitting in an empty room with white walls and suitcases [literally]. I have a friend coming to spend the night tomorrow, i don't want them to!! All i want is to sit in my room alone cause i need that time alone. Cause i don't crack in front of people, i don't [or at least i try my hardest]! And believe me, i think it is totally incredibly STUPID that i am crying right now! Its not like she is moving to a different state or something, not even across town...its really on my side of town. But its so stinking hard. I'm such a pansy! Okay i am done! I am composing myself and walking into my bedroom and packing!

and scene,

Steph