I had a bad day today! I dont know why though! I mean i had very easy midterms that I know i got A's on and school was just a normal day at school. Cell group was tonight, i love cell group! But why did tonight just leave me feeling just bad all together. I mean yeah, i have midterms that I just dont want to have tomorrow and that may be stressing on me. And you know when i said that i needed to talk to a certain person sometime soon...well that had to have been weeks ago and that has still yet to happen. And as much as i resist, i do really want to talk it out. But as i look upon the future the time isnt opening itself up anytime soon. And its not like i can talk to anyone...i need to talk to her. Why do we both have to be so freaking busy all the time? Ahh... i have to study.
AHHH...It is 9:54pm and i have to write a paper and send it to my teacher before 12:00am...thats only like 2 hours away!! I feel like i am in college already! I have midterms tomorrow that i didnt study for and i mean they are both of my electives but still this is my midterm!! I can do this, i can do this, i can do this...what if i cant do this? What if i fall asleep while writing my paper and i dont turn it in and then tomorrow i over sleep and i dont get to my first period midterm in time and what if i am too tired to even finish it and i fail. I hate negative what if questions but i am so thinking them right now. Im trusting that God will give me the strength for the next two days.
Ahhh Jess' voice always seems to calm me...gotta love her. Steph
How do I speak so that you will understand? How do i act that will let you see the truth? How can I encourage this in you? How do i begin? How do I explain so that you will listen? How can I look into your eyes and let you see my joy? How do I scream this love without scaring you away? How do I teach without insulting? How do I lead when i am still being led? How can I repeat those words that I am slowly learning myself? How can my lips and my little voice convey the mercy and sacrifice? How can I... little me share the works of Christ? I speak with my lips through His spirit. I act only in a way that would please His heart. I encourage by His works in my life. I begin and end with Him. I explain the truth and nothing but the truth. I live everyday with the joy of His gracious love and Holy Spirit in the fiber of my being. I will scream His love to the world no matter the cost to me. I will teach His words and His truth only. He will lead me to the words and actions to lead others. He will grant me the exact words to say at the exact moment needed. With His whispers I shall scream His story.
I have nothing...I am nothing but a vessel for His plans and His mercy and His forgiveness and His love and His glory and His righteousness, I am only His.
ahhh. So much to think about...literally. Midterms whoa they definitely just popped up on me real fast. French = solid. Chemistry = even more solid. Technical Theatre = don't even have to think solid. Algebra II = after some good studying could be solid. I even have a few tests two days before midterms...wait that's tomorrow. Oh goodie. Well at least i have the weekend to look forward too.
Sleep beckons even though that means tomorrow will come fast which means everything comes faster...urrgaa...well my sleepiness trumps those other thoughts.
8 friends, 1 mom, 1 million things to look at, 1 something, food...lots and lots of food/fair food, fountain meetings, reactions of the disgusting, a case yet to be solved, "get silly, get silly", a mountain of fries, rain, familiar faces, the stage/the lights/the crew....all i want to be right there, Leeland, awesome amazingness that shouldn't have ended so soon, Skillet, Wow, not really a fan but now after that...yes awesome, amazement, comparing hands, smiles, ending with a great song, HOT!!, cold outside, peeling "it" off, lookin out for the little bro, rides rides and more rides, The Vortex= NOOO......okay yes. Nerbous!, the cutest I love you, Are you okay?, Awesome ride!, shaking legs, death texts...wow that sounds worse than it actually is, search for more food, feet hurting, piggy back rides, goodbyes, Sheets run, home, goodbyes again, sleep, dreams of the night...
So what to write....what to write?I could write about the boo boo on my arm but I've done enough talking about that. I could write about how it is so cold out and i love it but that's so typical bloggy. I could write about how it is Friday and i am happy that weekend has come but i would just be repeating myself from other of my posts.
I just want to write, thats why i started this. I want to write my thoughts out so i can look back upon them later. I love writing and im decent at it...not great but i can write pretty well. When i go without writing for a while...my fingers ache to type and my mind races with thoughts to be recorded. I dont care if people read this or not cause its just my place...scary but, my mind out loud. I say what i feel and what i think and my emotions and its amazing to write without thinking just typing as if your fingers have a mind of their own and to just go and write everything. i love it.
You know time is so simple but so complex at the same time. There is endless amounts of time but also there is so few "times" where you actually feel like you have that much of it. Even after you die there is still eternity...which is beyond my grasp of thought. Eternity...seriously there is nothing about that word that i can comprehend. This time we spend here on earth is like an instant compared to eternity...whoa that's crazy! Just the time in the day to me seems so short and there is never enough of it. Everyday rushing to get my homework done or this chore finished or this task complete. I want to talk to this person...no i actually really need to talk to this person...but i seem to be always rushing to the next thing and i don't have time for that talk or that hug. There is no time to get in a smile some days and i love to smile, truly smile at something or someone i really love. And when it gets to the point where "i think" i don't have time to spend with God that's when i fail. I fail at everything and i break down and i realize how much i need Him in my life. Time is a beautifully intricate and simple thing. But one thing is for certain...I have time for Him, i have time for Christ. And after that He will fill my time with what i truly need, what i need to fulfill His plan for my life. If that doesn't include the things i want, then i am okay with that cause He is my desire more than those things i simply want to fill my time.
Finally not resisting Christ inking in my planner,
Yesterday i woke up beside my sister... i missed that. I got ready pretty fast and ran upstairs, then a family prayer to top off the morning at the house. We drove to the church on this cold Sunday and upon arrival my smile couldn't be contained. Corner instructional and prayer with hands held. Then we sat, a group of people i love so dearly. So many people had come and with each one that entered the door my smile and my nerves became bigger. Then the time came where i "pounded it," stood up and walked to the door. Behind that door i walked back and forth and tried to compose myself before going into the water... my friend was making it difficult. My turn. I took a step into that warm water with my smiling youth pastor awaiting me. Through the nerves and the shaky voice i made my way through my testimony. Then it was time i grabbed hold of my youth pastors arm and he lead me under the water. When i arose everyone was clapping but they weren't clapping for me they were clapping for Christ. They were clapping for Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior, they were clapping for his righteousness and His glory and His power and His worthiness and His all consuming love and His mercy and for His radiating spirit. They i ran through freezing air with wet hair. I got dressed in warm dry clothes and smiled as i ran in heels to get back to the church to see my best friend and my brother, respectively, get baptized just like i had done just a few minutes before. And with ragged breath that is exactly what i did. After praising God once more [ i could have gone for hours] i ran to the people i love. So many hugs i gave and received. A face i hadn't seen in a while made my heart grow even larger [ i didn't think it was possible]. The whole morning was full of big smiles and even bigger hugs. And then i hugged her and i didn't want to let go...cause she makes me happy and i love her and she was partly the reason i was wet that morning. But as i let go and we separated for the moment i saw a group of friends that i seriously could spend every day with. I talked and laughed and glanced and smiled even bigger and wish that we would have stayed all together right there forever. But we all had to leave sooner than later and the sooner came a little to quick for my liking. As i said my goodbyes and rushed around and said this to that person and that to this person i was happy...completely happy. The day didn't end there... in the next hour or two i was back with a friend...talking, drinking coffee, wink winking, almost falling asleep on a couch at starbies, making a completely stupid and random video that is seriously hilarious and then joining back with those people that i could spend every day with. We sat in a circle of girls and let the boys play football and we sat on our side and we praised truly praised The Holy One, and we listened and we praised again. And guess what the night wasn't over there! We joined back [ well i wasn't supposed to but that's okay] at "my family's" place and just had a wonderful time in fellowship with each other and jumped on a trampoline when the air around us was freezing our lungs whenever we laughed and we just enjoyed being with the people we love. What an amazing day with amazing prospects for the week? And maybe i'll get to spend some time with her this week...
Praise be to God for such an amazing day declaring my love for Him.
Im getting baptized this Sunday and i am super duper excited and i cant wait...But. My friend just got sick like the stomach kind and i hate that cause i really want her there when i get baptized. I mean she is one of the main people i would say that has helped me get to this point in my relationship with Christ. She means so much to me and to think of her not being able to be there just makes me so sad! I want to believe that she is going to be all better by Sunday morning but im scared shes not.
God please make her tummy feel better cause i love her and i dont like her to be sickhen!
Tonight i had a great time...i laughed for the sake of laughing and i jumped so high i could reach the stars and i got called "Deffff" and i made a basket! and i ate FunFetti cake and i was an "old dead lady" ahahahhaha and i played with a baby doll with a little girl that i love so dearly.
I am ecstatic for this weekend...Sunday in particular but tomorrow seems promising as well. Oh what a smile is on my face! Christ you have been amazing to me...you have given me friends when i didnt want them and you have given me a love for something that i would not have even known if i hadnt had moved away. By simply trusting you and giving you my everything you have made my life better than i could have ever imagined. Jesus Christ my Lord you are my desire and I want you in my life more than i have ever wanted anything else in my entire existence. Show me my gift, that i may carry out your will. I am listening Lord ears completely open to you whispers. Come and call on me and i will follow...
Give me one pure and holy passion
Give me one magnificent obsession
Jesus, Give me one glorious ambition for my life
To know and follow hard after you,
To know and follow hard after you
To Grow and your disciple and your truth
This world is empty pale and poor compared to knowing you my Lord
Lead me on and i will RUN after you.
Lead me on and i will RUN after you.
That is my cry tonight as i go into this weekend...hands open and eyes closed here to worship you my Lord Jesus.
Im going for the list today cause that's all i can think to write.
What has made me happy this week?
This weekend is hastily coming this way, two new antique cameras!, Theater, late night talks on the loverlySkype, writing messages to people that could probably use a lift, the prospect of talking to her, the fact that i am going to see [another] her [for the first time this week], ive been writing again, looking back into the past, pondering on the future, thoughts of the one that makes me smile, SUNDAY!!, Alison Krauss and Union Station/Shane & Shane/The Weepies, the prospect of meeting him, awaiting The Family Cookout @ The Apt, hitting the snooze a little bit to much but its nice anyway, being late to cell group cause of a little stop at Cook Out, What if...the best daydreaming topic, new joys to every person that is coming into town, unread letter that is sure to hold excitement, gentlemen, Miller Ball and getting a goal!!, skinnys and a T-shirt everyday, de baskets, spirit week, hanging with hannah tonight, teeth pain has subsided, lovely friendships, and pony tails....theres more but i have to get ready for HGeezers tonight.
It marks one year. One year ago tomorrow i cried harder than i have ever cried in my life. It was painful...physically and mentally. Even bringing it back makes my heart ache and my throat get warm. Don't cry...don't cry...don't cry. Its too late now, those thoughts are useless, the tears are rolling down my rosy cheeks. What do I do? I'm alone and everyone I need are busy or elsewhere. They are falling harder now and my eyes cant hold on to them anymore. Christ is here...I feel him holding me. He comforts me, he tells me everything will be alright through Him. He tells me not to lose sight of that and to hold onto that promise. I'm holding, I'm trying to hold...but it hurts, my hands are sore and red from grasping so tight. I am weakened so He holds me up. And though the pain is still there He will get me through my tears and get me through October 14th.
Tear stains are still visible and will be for a while but with His help and others in His name they will be washed away.
Ahh. Oh what a lovely feeling it is to relax and look back upon my week. I have been running full speed from Monday morning at 7am to this very night at 9:26pm. At that exact time [ i checked] i walked out of those glass doors and exited my school into a cool night breeze with a bouquet of flowers in one hand and a script in the other. As i did this a smile appeared on my face because i got through it and it was fun and it was tough and it was a great opportunity and it was interesting and it was an experience and it was over...well at least for the next couple of weeks. And tomorrow i get to see faces that i have missed so dearly this past week. So I am going to listen to some music [ cause that makes any moment better ] eat some food and then fall asleep and soon see those faces.
with a face that can do nothing but smile, Thanks to God for this amazing week...
My mind is zooming at 300000 miles an hour and i just want it to stop. Only for a moment just so Christ can consume me. At that moment when nothing else is entering my delicate mind and it is just myself and the one i call my true Heavenly Father...its like the feeling of the first day of Fall. So comforting, so new, so familiar, so happy, so home, so pure, so safe, so lovely. Just to read those words that i have just typed so gently makes me desire Him even more. His presence in my life "makes my life." A friend and I were talking tonight about that phrase..."this makes my life" i mean everything makes up a part of your life but in all seriousness Christ makes up my entire being, who I am now was formed by giving my life up for His name. I was changed from that peppy pre-teen that wanted to please and to be accepted by others to a girl whose only purpose is to bring her Lord glory. I don't care about what people think of me or my style and i don't feel the need to please anyone but Christ my Savior. I want people to know that what i am comes from Him and Him only. Praise be to The Almighty One for He is worthy.
I really want to sit here and do nothing but look only to God. It seems to be getting harder and harder these days to find the time to sit and do nothing but spend time with my heavenly Father. All these things keep piling up on top of me and as hard as I reach I am not strong enough to get to Him. Christ I need you, more than ever now. Everyday I am in a place where there are getting to be less and less people that know and are followers of You. I cant get away from it all. And as my body is getting weakened by the fight to keep going also my heart is getting weakened by the fight to keep You first.
Ahh relaxation, what a beautiful thing. Just to sit here and listen to The Weepies [cause they can always make me happy] and not have to worry about taking notes or keeping on book or to go get the props for this show or make sure this assignment gets done, just to sit here and talk to my sister and do nothing. I am so thankful to have this moment cause i needed it really bad. Now my sister and I can talk and laugh and smile without worries and this is the cure for what my present state has been. But as this time is ticking away and only 15mins are left hanging around that's my cue to press publish post and get ready for another few hours of responsibility.
smiling thinking of this one moment in particular,
I love being busy, i really do. High school is awesome and some people know how nerdy i am about that fact that i just stated. I love what my job, my roll is in my high school. I am honored and i am so happy about that roll. Its rough some days and tiring and just draining but i love it. You may see in my eyes that i am worn out and sleepy but i cant deal with that, that's not a problem to me. I will push through cause God has given me a great opportunity and i plan to do this job to the best of my ability and shine for Him as i go through my day. But speaking of being worn out that is my cue to go into that lovely room and fall asleep with the music playing in my ear and a smile upon my face and tomorrow morning i will get up in the dark hours and get ready and hold my head high for another long day of what i love doing.