Sitting here on this lovely New Years Eve Dec 31st 2008 at 2:02pm. Im at my table in the kitchen with the windows open and the cool but warm breeze flowing freely in. The soundtrack of Twilight playing from the cd player in the corner of the kitchen. A big bowl of steaming spaghetti and a nice cold glass of Ice Tea sitting right in front of me [ that reminds me of Pastor Sam's comment on Sunday "It's like explaining Sweet Tea to southerners, they are gunna know what it is." that made me laugh]. Clothes ready to be packed for a 4 day trip to the wonderful Beaufort. Oh this is a lovely day.
And last night, wow last night was better than i even expected. A Jane Austen night with my girls and one special mom like figure and you cant forget about the Miller Boys comin in and bringing the fun level to an all time high. I need a list of that night;
Welcomed at the door, tarts, drinks, persuasion, curly sideburns, awkward kisses, The Candle Blowing, "His Eyes are beautiful"- oh how i love Bethany, our little waiter for the night, Coldplay's crimes of stealing, arrivals, the drop by, "I need to tell you something", Oh the nerf guns, Sense and Sensibility, videos, Camera = Exhausted, reenactments, basketball boys return, and the nerfing continues but on a whole other level, wrestling match between brother and sister, apparently im too smiley to get shot, Pride and Prejudice, taste of Moxie, Nate talks nonstop, favorite parts or P&P discussion, and the inevitable goodbyes, locked out of the apt haha, HGeezers house here i come...fun night dont you think?
And tonight Apt New Years...tomorrow leaving for the beach with Jessica Lyndon Ray [meaning the band but that includes her too...go figure]. 4 days listening to them play and taking pictures and video for them and just hanging out with them at the beach ...seriously can you think of a better way to spend a weekend?
Whitney gets off of work in 1 1/2 hours!! Yipper Skipper!
New Years Resolutions: - Praise the Lord God Almighty harder every day - Have more fun than this year! is that possible?
Today i took the time to go on the computer and just look up some of Hillsong/Hillsong United's Production Teams and their roles and their outlook on their job. And if you know me then you know that I am pretty much obbessesed with anything technical and i would love to work with any youth ministries conferences or a Christian band or something like that and if i do want to do this then why not look to the best of them all...Hillsong.
I wish i could copy and paste this entire page but that would be one long post so i wont do that...but seriously this is a perfect site for me tonight. I needed this. In the past few months I have felt a kind of distance from tech, just cause i think I have focused on fufilling and meeting the needs of everyone with perfection and if i didnt do up to just my standards then i felt like a failure and it was like this for weeks and i couldnt get rid of it but as I read these words on this page I realize what i was doing wrong and i will probably do wrong again in the future just because I am a human...I was looking at myself and thinking of these gifts that my God has blessed me with as talents that I MYSELF have acquired MYSELF and not through MY GOD...wow that is a royal offense and one that should not be forgiven, but He is spectacular isn't He? Sheesh this site is perfection.
If I keep this mindset for the rest of my lovely days here on earth I will be the richest person in the world...The Holy Spirit working within me, A saving Christ, and Loyal God, a job that glorifies Him...the list can just go on with the wealth of blessings He has bestowed upon me.
Knowing Him. I can't think of anything worth more, can you?
Yes I do have plans for my life...what i want to do with my life, where I would like to go to college things like that... those are also things that can be changed in an instant, He is in control.
But right now? What do I want to do now? There are these ideas rolling around in my head...
And this is really number one on my list of things i want to do at this moment, i want to really get to know the Junior High girls! Like seriously, I really want to talk to them and I want to know their relationship with Christ and I want to encourage them in Christ! I want to lead them and I want to be someone that they can look up to. I have had some older people in my life that have been exactly that and I have come to know the Lord so much better by them being a big part of my life and looking up to them. Every time I am around them I have this desire to get to know them better and talk to them. In this new year that is my goal...all of that.
I want to be more enjoyable around my family...seriously I am a mean person sometimes around them and sometimes it is provoked and sometimes not but i need to be Christ-like and so that means pushing away from that evilness.
I want to work hard in school...not just get my homework done just cause it needs to be done but because i have a desire to serve the Lord and doing my homework however little it may seem is a part of serving Him. That along with so many things such as submitting to authority [parents, teachers, sheps, older siblings,...etc.]
So those are some of the things i wish to get accomplished by His will only of course.
Christmas was awesome! Whit got a puppy and i got a new camera ! =]]]
Friends are amazing and family is indescribable!
The End of the recap and on to today/tonight...
So today was filled with lovely people. The reason, well thats simple...Indie. Indie is the name of Whitney's new puppy. She basically is the cutest Golden Retriever puppy like ever. I got to see dear friends of mine all day long and that made me smile...so much.
I got to give my gift to The Apt and i think they liked it...me and Samantha had fun making one half of it together. I think I like her...a lot =].
Tonight my family and I along with a common law (hehe common law hehe) sister Jess [i wish my other one had stayed too] just relaxed and watched movies tonight in our basement. The movies were decent but it was just good to sit down with some of the people i love and relax. I think i might have even fallen asleep during the first movie...when i awoke i saw Jess's smile peeking around the blanket at me...that was a nice awakening. Then after the first movie was over we ended up just turning on the tv and watching a second one. During the second one i gravitated towards laying my head on Jess's shoulder. We kinda had a shnuggy moment...which for anyone who knows me really well knows that im not a person to shnuggle up to someone, but tonight i didnt mind to cuddle up next to Jess. It made me feel safe and happy cause there was this one moment during the movie where i tensed up...i didnt like that part in the movie. And i dont know if she even felt it or not but just cause she was there i was able to calm myself down.
So it is about 7 minutes until the clock strikes midnight and Christmas has officially arrived. Did it just pop up on anyone other than me? I feel like it was just the beginning of the school year and now Christmas is here... whoa.
Anywho...it is about 56 degrees outside and i am sitting out on our porch listening to the wind in a big hoodie and sweat pants. I just finished all my wrapping and now i am just waiting for the cookies that i just put in the oven to be ready so i can eat them...yumm. My family went to our church's candle lighting service tonight and it was fun and i got to see all of the dear ones in my life. Then we went to a lovely family's house for a Christmas party. It was so much fun...we just hung out and laughed with each other and learned about Christmas traditions and had rematches and fun times together. It was a blast and i dont think i could have spent my Christmas Eve with a better group of people! I love them all so dearly.
To be honest...ive been in this groove lately that i keep on failing and as much as I am trying to get back on my feet and hold onto Christ's outstretched welcoming hand I cant. I seem to be reaching but instead of grasping it i fall on the ground again and it is wearing on my heart, my body, my mind, my relationships...my everything. I can keep a smile on my face and be happy when i am out and about but it is getting harder and harder with each passing moment...
I am staring a notebook right in front of me, it is begging me to unfold it's cover and taint its clean lined paper. The cover is so beautiful and the note inside is even prettier. And i want to write and sharpen like the little note says but I dont want to just write anything cause this is too special to me for my pen just to scribble words of nonsense on those lovely pages. Even since i have gotten this dear notebook i have carried it with me wherever i go, not wanting to let it out of my sight.
"God, my God, I cry out Your beloved needs You now God, be near calm my fear and take my doubt Your kindness is what pulls me up Your love is all that draws me in
I will lift my eyes to the Maker of the mountains I can't climb I will lift my eyes to the Calmer of the oceans raging wild I will lift my eyes to the Healer of the hurt I hold inside I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You
God, my God, let mercy sing her melody over me and God, right here all I bring is all of me Your kindness is what pulls me up Your love is all that draws me in
I will lift my eyes to the Maker of the mountains I can't climb I will lift my eyes to the Calmer of the oceans raging wild I will lift my eyes to the Healer of the hurt I hold inside I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You
'Cause You are and You were and You will be forever the Lover I need to save me 'Cause You fashioned the earth and You hold it together, God so hold me now
I will lift my eyes to the Maker of the mountains I can't climb I will lift my eyes to the Calmer of the oceans raging wild I will lift my eyes to the Healer of the hurt I hold inside I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You I will lift my eyes, lift my eyes to You
God, my God, I cry out Your beloved needs You now"
Tonight I will open that notebook and i will write with no hesitation. I will write of His glory and His love. I will write so i can express my thoughts and I will most definitely enjoy sharing my feelings with the LORD! Because I love Him most and my desire is to follow hard after Him only.
I have been completely blessed with amazing friends. Friday was my sixteenth birthday and it was a blast...just because i got to spend it with my lovies. The day started with lunch with two wonderful girls...Daryl and Hannah Grace. We laughed and talked serious and just had a fantastic time together...i love those two girls. Later that night some of the most radiant girls came over to my house and we had a fabulous meal together. We opened presents and laughed and smiled and had a great time. As for my gifts i think the best part of the presents were the cards or little notes i got to go along with them. Each one meant so much to me. Two in particular i have read at least 5 times =]. Anywho back to the night...after dinner we went to go see a very personal friend sing in a band...it was amazing fun and they were awesome! After the show we went back to my house were we ate junk food and feel asleep while watching Horton Hears a Who.
Basically...my birthday was beast because of the people i spent it with. Stephie
The rain slides under the wet wheels. Lights pass fewer and fewer by the hour. Nothing but the water falling from the heavens to keep our company. Headlights from the following car is the only light that pours through our windows now. The heat envelopes us, comforting us. My fingers still wander across the ice cold window, Seeking the wetness on the other side.
Sleep is beckoning me but I try to resist it's powerful grip. My eyes find a sleeping body next to me. I smile as I see my sister dreaming in peace, Away from the terror of the modern world around us. My eyelids are weighted and begin to fall. As much as I struggle, Sleep slowly overcomes. When I awake I wish to find that the light has saved us from our endless darkness of night.
About a couple years ago I found that I really enjoyed to write. At one point I was even writing a book...which if you are reading and you didn't know about that don't bother asking cause it was stupid and got accidentally erased so there. The poem above was something i wrote on a lovely trip to the 2008 Planet Wisdom Youth Conference. I haven't thought about that poem for so long but like 5 people have brought it up this past week so i thought i would bring it back out of hiding. I wish i still wrote like this...you know like poems and such. I used to sit in my room, in a car, outside on a porch and just write poetry. It was a great way for me to release and get away from everything. But I haven't done that in a long while.
I just love to read and write...i feel like you can really get to know someone by reading their work. Cause in every piece of my writings has some part of me and my personality and my feelings and emotions at the time. That's why I love to dig into the Bible...I get to know the Lord my God so much better by each word i read. If my desire is to get to know Him better then shouldn't I go directly to His Word?? Makes sense doesn't it?
As i sit here and think back upon my weekend i am struck by how much Christ has worked in my heart just in the past few days. I mean we started out the Lock-In with the best set of worship i think we have ever had and it was great!! It was the type of worship where your hands cannot be raised any higher and your voice cant get any louder [ i didnt care AT ALL if I was off key or anything like that] it basically was the best feeling in the world. I love praising my Lord and Savior! My smile was beyond the limits of my face. And to think the night got better from there!! After worship there was this time were some people went up and gave their testimonies. Good gracious, you put my little brother up in front and have him tell his testimony and what the Lord has put on his heart and i will cry my eyes out...oh man that was a good cry. and then the floor was opened up for anyone who wanted to share their heart. And as usual it took me a while to get up the courage to speak but i really wanted to so i did end up sitting up on that stool and crying and saying the things that Christ had really laid on my heart lately. I couldnt look at certain people while i was talking...wow i looked at Catherine at one point and about lost it but luckily I composed myself enough to end my little speech or whatever...but i had to end it with something that would make some giggle...so i ended it with the number one conversation ender...So There. haha. Anywho, it was an amazing encouragement to see my friends, my brothers and sisters in Christ speak about their walk with Him...it was so great! That night was full of fun games and great times together with the people i truly love to death, they are pretty much amazing people. Then the next day was spent with a dear friend that just got back from college...we went to three of my friend's basketball games. Both games were soo much fun. AND then my other friend and i went to The Apt and hung out there for a while before heading to go hang out with a pretty fantastic family. and now tonight...tonight was my last night of tech and it was also the last night of the series. At the end of the night i sat there my arm holding a dear friend sitting next to me and my thoughts were racing...
"I want those words up on that screen, i want to go to school tomorrow and declare Christ. i want that life i want a brilliant life for Christ!"
that is just the tiniest bit of what all i was thinking but wow thats what i want!
and now i have to get some sleep cause i havent got that much of it lately,
G'night God...help me serve you completely tomorrow. Amen,
I dont think i can write enough blogs and enough words to complete my desire to write for Christ. This series we are on in youth group has been amazing. A Brilliant Life. It has impacted my heart more than, i think, all of the rest. I come away and in my everyday i life i find myself living my life more for Him. My decisions...i look to Him. The steps I take to take me forward in my day...i look to Him. The questions I answer...i look to Him. The smile on my face throughout the day...is because of Him. The way i act and present myself in everyday life...is because I am His bought by His blood and the only way i should act is in a way that should please His heart. Every breath i should take in a day...is only because of His love, mercy, grace, and forgiveness so who am i to think that it is I that am in charge of things.
His, for Christ bought me by an untouchable price...
It was great...From the moment the final bell rang i smiled in thoughts of the lovely hours to come. I got to the big floor to ceiling windows and looked out in hopes of seeing Jo...hehe...and then i spotted her. So I skipped out into the rain in the direction of Jo and the lovely girl sitting inside. The rain didnt damper my day at all...it probably made it better. We arrived at our destination...Starbies =]. Her new camera gave us a toy to play with as we talked and laughed and enjoyed the time we had together...cause it had been a while since the last time we had done something like that. We took fun pictures and used "Cool" words like aperture. It was like time was of no use and it was just us and the camera...that has yet to have a name, but that is easily remedied. But as it did come to an end...it seemed as if we were only together for like 30 minutes but in actuality we were together for about 3 hours...
So now i just remember those wonderful memories of those three hours but i still have the hopes for tomorrow after school...=]
Well its here isnt it...poop. Ive been kind of awaiting this and now i dont know what to say. But i do this a lot! I clinch up and try to hide again and suck back into that shell i have made for myself...but its kind of too late for that now isnt it? Ill be fine, just being me... worrying about the little things.
No way am i going to be paying attention in class tomorrow...
I cant keep it in, I dont want to hide it, I want to shout it throughout the world! This love, this mercy, this forgiveness, this joy, His glory. I want to change things NOW not later, not next week or next month...NOW. All for Him! Every day my desire to get to know Him increases and every day i am struck by these decisions that a couple months ago i would have breezed right through without thinking about them but now i look at those decisions and to answer them i am always looking to God and trying to answer them with every word praising Christ Jesus my Lord and Savior.
PS. This is a picture i took of Psalm 42:5-6. and this one verse is in the bible three times and in two different Psalms! Its amazing...and I love it!
It is amazing to see the work of Christ in my friends. It seems like every day now i am seeing my friends come to the Lord in complete humility and fall on their faces in the desire for Him. And i adore it! To see my friends shining in the light of His glory is such an amazing feeling. Cause I love them to death and the one thing I want, desire for them is a pure and wonderful relationship with Jesus Christ.
My church is so freaking amazing!! I am so lucky to be a part of a youth group and a church family that is so close and is so centered on the glorification of Christ Jesus our Lord and Savior. I just cant get enough of it...I have some of the bestest friends in the world there. I met my mentor there, I have family that goes there [or some that i call family], my sister's roommates were met there, I was baptized there, I came fully to the Lord there, some of the greatest moments in my life were THERE. I love it so much. God put this in my life right at the exact moment when it was needed, and i thank Him everyday for this blessing that is called North Ridge Church.
Tonight was cell group... senior high girls, cookies, laughter, best friends, talks of The Christmas Party, stories, The Word, the power of the Holy Spirit, the joy of seeing other's desires for Christ. I love those girls...so much. [ The Alumni too!...that would be you Katie and Anna]
Also I made a phone call tonight. One phone call that i had been nervous to make. I dont really entirely know why i was nervous cause it was one person that I love and could say anything to but anywho, I would love to have a perfect memory so i could remember all that was said and everything we had talked about but i dont have that good of a memory so i can only remember the things that made me smile and giggle and repeat in my head as i was talking to her. But those are good enough for me...until we hang out next. I cant wait till our special "date day"...a week is too long though. But that is just one more thing to look forward to next week and hopefully it will make the week go by faster.
"Then bursting forth in glorious day, out from the grave He rose again and as He stands in victory. Since curses lost its grip on me, for I am His and He is mine bought with precious blood of Christ...
No guilt in life, no fear in death. This is the power of Christin me. From life's first cries to final breath Jesus commands my destiny. No power of Hell and no scheme of man can ever pluck me from His hands. Till He returns or calls me home, here in thepower of Christ ill stand."
My desire for Him grows with every breath i intake, Steph
There are some things that are completely wearing on my heart tonight but i dont feel like pouring them out onto a computer screen. Maybe sometime later ill speak them out loud but not tonight. And just as all the hopes of a better night have failed i have some homework to do so off i go.
Rita Springer is always good company on these nights,
As i write this i think of you...meaning the person reading this, whoever it may be. I am thinking of what in your day has lead you to be on this computer and reading these words on this blog post on this blog. I wonder if there is music playing around you...what is it? I ponder if you have other, better things to do with your time than sit here and read this. Do you know me or are you reading it just cause you came upon it or your friend is "following" my posts? Do you know my secrets and who i have a crush on? Do you know what i want to do with my life and where i want to go to college and what i want to major in [if so please tell me]? Do you know my favorite band and type of music? Do you know the name of my camera or my sister's car? Do you know my favorite day? Do you know that i dearly love to laugh? What is my favorite book and author?
Do you know me? Do you want to?
Know this....Christ is my all and I am His, He bought me and I live my life serving His plan and calls for me.
The End and thats all you need to know about me...but what about Him? What do you know about Him? Do you want to know Him?
I only have a moment cause whit is threatening to turn the light out on me...but i have to say something.
If she reads this she will be completely smiling and be, i would say...embarrassed but i dont care cause i love her and I think it needs to be said...
Jessica Lyndon Ray- You are amazing and unbelievably ridiculous....i mean in like an incredibly good way. I mean you are good actually amazing at almost everything you set your mind and heart to. You are hilarious because you are Jess and i love to bug you and just mess with you cause i love you soo freakin much. You just made an awesome video in what??...a day?... a night? You make me your guinea piglet...and i love it cause it means i get to spend time around you, learning from you. I have an opportunity to become something cause you are teaching me and I dont think you understand how much i am thankful for every moment we work together. God has placed you in my life for a purpose...you are in my life for a purpose...yayness, doesnt that excite you cause it does me. I mean just being around you and working with you, i see a great want, a desire to everyday follow hard after Christ and just seeing that has changed me and has made me long for that passion. And as i hugged you goodnight tonight and said i loved you...i realized wow i really do love you and i want to thank you...thank you for being an essential part of my life.
Tomorrow is my final day until the lovely Thanksgiving Break!! ahh it couldnt have come at a better time. Although the last couple of days have been loads of fun! It has been like old times. For the past few days Whit, Jess and Catherine have been over at my house just like we used to do...except for the major spend the nighties but that could be remedied, real soon!! And now there is a possibility of hanging out with a friend i havent seen a while and i will love to see her!
With a smile of the thoughts of friends and family i will be seeing within my next 6 days!
During worship tonight i was flattened...completely flattened. I mean I was no longer about me it was only about Him, Christ Jesus my Lord!! It was the kind of worship where your hands dont ever get high enough for Him and my voice was never loud enough [ even if it is flat or off key, i didnt care cause all I wanted to do was praise!] and my smile was never wide enough...those are the times i wish i had a "Ray" smile, you know the ones im talking about...the amazingly large smiles that all the Rays have and every time they smile it makes you smile...you know what im talkin about. Anywho back to worship, at one point I couldnt do anything but fall on my knees and sing...
"Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give you control Consume me from the inside out Lord Let justice and praise become my embrace To love You from the inside out
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise
From the inside out Lord, my soul cries out"
I love the feeling of being nothing but His. I wanted to worship all night!!!
The message tonight was also amazing! I want to have a Brilliant Life for Christ!! That is the cry of my heart. Im screaming it at the top of my lungs...I WANT TO BE YOURS AND FOR YOU TO WORK THROUGH ME...I WANT TO LIVE FULLY FOR YOU I WANT TO SHINE FOR YOU I WANT YOU!! That is my desire more than anything. And the things that Dan are saying in this series are cutting me to the core and i love it. At the end of tonight i was bowing down on my knees praising and crying and I want His plan for me and I dont want to waste time doing the things that arent of Him...reveal to me the call on my life!
By the end of this lovely night I got to hold tight onto her hand. I didnt want to let go! Im a coward really...I should have held onto her hand and drug her away to a place where we could have talked but there were a few reasons on why i couldnt have done that
1.) There was JH MASH tonight so there wasnt time 2.) Im a coward
Mostly the second one is to blame. I mean she is my mentor and she is my friend and she is someone that I look up to and I could talk to her about anything and she would be more than happy to listen to me...i know, i have told myself this many a time BUT again with the I am a coward part of the equation. I cant get up the courage to ask her the simple "can i talk to you for a moment?" Ive tried...my mouth even opened one time but i backed out really fast! Whitney is getting angry at me [as much as Whitney can get mad a me =)] for not talking to her. And i dont think this person reads this thing... i dont know maybe she does but i dont think so...So im gunna continue to be a coward.
They were such simple words. None that were more than 5 letters each. But when i read them together on that screen, my eyes were slowly filled with tears. I couldnt help it, those tears fell and fell fast. I just kept reading it over and over again. It was a sentence I had heard before but tonight I actually listened to it. I dont like to cry but I didnt mind it tonight.
Wow i love them. I was standing near the lighting booth making sure everything was set and watching as the crowd got larger and larger. Then i saw them! They entered and sat at the other end but i saw them!! I was shocked and sooo freaking happy! They had come to see my show, the show i have been working on for weeks! I caught Jess' eye and with my shocked face i smiled and waved to her. I wish I could have caught more eyes but I had to focus...the show was going up in less than five minutes. The show went up and I was nervous, I wanted them to like it I wanted them to laugh. But from backstage I a limited view of the crowd and their reactions. BUT...there are at least five different secret holes in the set, large enough for your eye to peek out. So when i got the moment or two I got to the chance to look out into the crowd and see Their smiles and laughs and that made me happy. At the end of the play and ran through backstage area rushed to their seats! I hugged them and i smiled cause i was soo happy and thankful that they had come! But duty called so I had to leave them...only for a moment or two. I made sure things were settled and then i quickly left for the commons area where they were waiting. After that we had a night of laughter, singing songs to one word, EATING, guitar playing, and just had a good time together...
Thank you girls...cause i dont think i thanked you enough!
It snowed this morning. I woke up, rubbed my tired eyes and looked out my window and what did i see?!?! Big white flakes falling from the heavens. Now that is an amazing feeling! But then it was followed by a feeling quite the opposite when i realized it wasnt sticking and that meant school! But thats okay I had a fun day anyway.
Tonight is our final performance of See How They Run. So i am leaving in a few minutes to go to school and get set and it has been fun and it will be fun tonight but i am glad it is ending and my life will be getting back to the basics and back to normal!
Thank you God for this lovely time that i have had and the time i am about to partake in,
I miss everyone. Bad! Tech week is so important to me and i have so many things to do but it really does suck to have to never see your family cause you are at school 14 hours a day! and I NEVER get to see my friends for more than 30mins in a week. I mean i really wanted to go to cell group but i didnt get the time and i wanted to spend some time with the best friend tonight but i couldnt and i wanted to see the sister tomorrow but i cant!
Im really happy tonight...like whoa! Its a big conglomeration [wow thats a funny word to spell] of...
My show opens tomorrow night at 7pm, i got to see my friends that i didnt think i would see until Sunday, I just sent a message to someone special that made me giggle as i wrote, Im eating a fried peanut butter sandwich with cinnamon sugar caramelized on the bread [if you have never had one tell me and i will make one for you!] and im drinking a massive amount milk [i love milk], I get to wear Tech Black clothes all tomorrow, I get my 2nddog tag on Saturday one that says "Cast and Crew of See How They Run November 2008", Thanksgiving is next week and that means i get to see sooo many friends that i have missed so dearly!! That also brings food and family and the Christmas Tree hunting with the Rays, and a much needed 5 day weekend, it is exactly one month from my 16th birthday, It "snowed" yesterday, im wearing comfy cozy boots right now, I touched a mouse tonight, i gave a surprise hug, i got my new bedspread today...finally going to start redecorating!, and now i am going to end this lovely day with music and homework.
"Cause I love the way you say good morning, and you take me the way I am"
Im back to the old schedule...living at school and sleeping at home.
Its amazing though...how God has put me in this position. I mean there has never been a sophomore in a stage management title in Wakefield High history. And im not saying this to brag im saying this so i can thank God! Seriously He gave me these abilities and He let the teachers and other students see that i could do this and they trust me. He gave me the courage to do this. He has given me the words to say to give Him all the glory. I owe all of this to Him...i am nothing, i own nothing...in actuality i cannot brag for i have no right. Thank you God...for everything.
I also want to thank my friends because they have been a huge and i mean huge blessing to me! They have been encouraging and they have been hilarious and fun and they make me smile all the time and they are amazing and i love them...so thank you!
I feel really bad tonight! My tummy is hurting me! Of course it has to be on my favorite day of the week and on the first day back as the North Ridge "Techie Stephie" [i love kellie]. I didnt even get to help strike everything! It sucked, i had to watch them unplug things and wrap cords and put away stands...all of this i would have loved to be doing, like LOVED to be doing.
But i do have amazing friends! They sat with me on the floor and they took care of me. And made me go lay down for a while [ i love you Daryl] and asked me how i really was. They made me laugh even though it hurt me. I do have amazing friends...
Now i have to go to sleep and wake up tomorrow and even if my tummy hurts i will go to school cause I have a job to do!
Okay so i know that this is my second post for the night and third for the day but i just cant seem to stop my fingers from moving swiftly across the keys tonight. As i was sitting here the rain started to pour down. So now i am sitting on the porch listening to the water fall and hit the solid objects of the world and making beautiful music with every hit. Have you ever thought of rain being music?
"And I heard as it were the voice of a great multitude, and as the voice of many waters, and as the voice of mighty thunderings, saying Alleluia: for the Lord God omnipotent reigneth." Rev. 19:6
Have you ever thought of water, rain praising the Lord God? I think it amazing to think of water or mountains or wind or trees to bow and praise the Lord! Its awesome! Just think of every thunder that breaks within the storm as a shout to God proclaiming His glory!! Is that not fantastic?!? Or the wind that whistles with great magnitude between the trees that bow? I want to be like that, shouting worshiping to the Lord loud enough that it shakes the earthly ground and to bow with sincerity of praise. What a lovely thought?
To this night that started out as a cry for help has ended with a cry for praise, a shout for Christ! Is He not spectacular? Is He not gracious and forgiving? Is He not receiving? Is He not fantastical?
I shout with the thunder that cracks the skies tonight, Stephie
Im crumbling inside. On the outside i am put together, happy, and fine. But inside...well lets just say thats a different story. Its been slowly crashing down and now im at a point where I am tired of putting up a front, although i will still put up that front when i am done with this post, i have no doubt of that. One big huge problem with me is that i keep things bottled up...i hate sharing my feelings. I keep them inside and i hide...hide from the looks that go into your soul, to the "How are you?" questions that have the simple answer "good/fine" and the people that i know will see right through me. Cause from day to day i am holding myself together by...i really have no idea how i keep myself together.
Christ is there He is whispering His calls to me but i have plugged my ears cause He is saying things that i dont necessarily want to hear. I hate it, i hate that i have plugged my ears for this long. And as I slowly am crawling back to the Lord, i need help. I am crying out for help. I am willing to open up my bottle but i need some help to pry it open.
Being His painting that is continually needing work, Steph
Its raining here. Not the pouring or consistent rain...its as if we are actually in the cloud. So it is darker in my house and its kinda chilly. A nice day to do nothing but relax and listen to music...and thats exactly what i am doing.
Ive had a great past few days. I really have! Friends are great...amazing really. And the more time i spend with them the more time i wish we had to be together.
I am tired and overwhelmed but that will be a conversation for later times...
When i want to get away at night there is one place i go...outside. No matter how cold it is and believe me it is pretty cold tonight. I love it out here at night, there is nothing but the low whispers of the passing cars. I am listening to a song, a song i listen to often when i come outside. Its a song called Healer. And i know there are some people that are mad cause the writer was a fraud but just listen to the lyrics and make them yours and not some fake's words. Ignore all of that stuff but listen without the distractions of the world. What do you hear? You wanna know what I hear? I hear my heart, my desires, my words written in a song. When i am weak, these are the cries of my heart. When i am strong, these are the cries of my heart. When i am distracted, these are the cries of my heart. When I am falling on my knees these are the cries of my heart. When i am laughing, these are the cries of my heart. When i am crying, these are the cries of my heart. These are the cries of my heart.
So tonight... tonight i acted funny and silly and it was great! An amazing friend was over and we were playing our game...hehe. Battleship. Its our special thing and i love it. I love that we have a special thing. Even though i have lost every game from the beginning, i have loved every single moment of it. Being silly and peeking over the edge of game and making faces at her and giggling so much. Oh what fun...
talking to someone missed for two hours straight and loving every moment of it, getting ready, arriving, huge screen, guitar hero tournie, standing with them...the ones i love, *smiles*, losers and winners, standing and listening together, MOVIE TIME!!, Journey to The Center of The Earth...oh the jokes!, 5 girls...one blanket to sit on, head leaning on chair behind me and joking with the one in it, getting chilly after 2 hours of sitting in the same position watching a movie outside, The Cookie Bowl, new arrivals =]]...i like them, laughter, end=clapping, clean up, inside...warm!!, stories of creepy "things" that has started The Roommate Wars [part one], Ultimate Knock Out Game, " You may be out but you are still IN"...oh Dustin!, the loser line, soccer, Rockin the back seat yo, bye bye dustin, Apt...i love, anyone hungry?...how about wings at 2am? OK!, sleep...it had to come at some point, waking up at later hours, muffin drop off, The News- Zaxby's is now open for business [ you have permission to scream...okay thats enough you dont want to look like an idiot now do you?], Catty playing the piano, ahh lovely, Sweeney Todd [sorry Jess i just love it], music provided by Catherine and Hannah Grace, goodbyes for now, Oh man i am still in my pjs @ 4:30 and i need to get ready for the day...ahhahha Saturdays at the Apt gotta love them.
I have just been placed as the head stage management director for my high school's theatre company, unexpectedly...sorta. This all means that I am the stage manager for all of Wakefield Theatre Company productions. I choose assistants, prop masters and all that jazz. And yes i have been working very hard towards this very goal but wow and i mean wow God i didnt think you would make it come so quickly. You know what you are doing with my life and so im not worried but...maybe just a little worried. This is great and an amazing opportunity and really good for me but am I ready? If you think so God, then i have no need to worry. Im trusting, simply trusting.
But i am also really excited! I mean I think i might be able to change things around this place that will be great. I have ideas and plans and i cant wait to get to use them. Christ there are so many ways I can share You and Your love through this position! Christ i feel like i could really shine for You in this but can You help me? I really am excited about this and I am so thankful that I have been given this chance to work with what i love
I have butterflies flying in my tummy...nerves or excitement?
Sometimes i am without words. I want to write...i need to write. I want to live up to "The silver tongue" nick name i was granted. I want to inspire and i want the words to flow from my mind clearly to the blank space on the screen. But for the most part i have been at a loss for words in the past few weeks. Sometimes i wish i were brave enough to speak of what i am truly feeling and sometimes i do but then there are times when i start to think about the people that read this and I clench up. I cant do it. I cant say exactly how i feel because i think about how these people that read this thing that i call my space and how they will react. Maybe it is just talking about someone in specific like saying how much i love them or confessing a secret...i dont have that many but if i did i would not type them out on here. Or maybe i am feeling down but I dont want to damper any ones day...that is definitely not one of the purposes of this blog. If i am going to write I want you to be happy after reading it and not feel sad or just sad for me, thats depressing. Although there are days when I do release my feelings directly and i feel really bad afterwards. Where did that happiness i had last night go? Cause right now I just feel like giving up...giving up on this homework that is just taking too long to finish, giving up on this blog, giving up on trying to impress, giving up on getting that one thing, giving up on trying to get that attention, giving up on starting first. Man i hate feeling like these things are winning in my life. Christ I am fighting for You but it is hard. People at school dont understand and so they reject and get defensive. I am standing still for you but imgunna need your help.
Standing firm in His light cause He chose me for a purpose, for His plan and I am going to stand firm in that, Steph
Im sitting here on this cold rainy November night.[ wow its November already!] I am sipping hot chocolate topped with whipped cream and watching some non political tv show. I am sleepy...really sleepy, I have been all day. All of my 5 day weekend i have stayed up late and woken up early. But i dont mind cause every moment that i was awake i was having a spectacular time. I spent almost all of it with my sister which was awesome...especially since she has been AWOL for the past few weeks.
There was this happiness that i had at the being of this school year and i think i am beginning to get that back. The joy of everyday entering school and learning. The happiness of friendship whether it be in school or out of school. My wholehearted thanksgiving to my Lord for putting wonderful blessings into my life. It is spectacular to wake up every morning and to have this indescribable joy and love. To praise the Lord with every fiber of your being in the littlest moments of the day, not just at church with a group of people but when you are alone or in a hallway or in a classroom and just sit and close your eyes and sing in your head or out loud or just pray and thank God. Oh what a lovely feeling it is to just not care for anything but pleasing and praising Jesus Christ. I sometimes wonder to myself why I stray from this love and happiness when it is open to me all the time. But me in my human nature loves to turn my back on it. But now to sleep because to obey my parent's wishes and calls is to praise the Lord and again why would i leave this marvelous light im running.
Sin has lost it's power, death has lost it's sting. From the grave you've risen VICTORIOUSLY!
Into marvelous light I'm running, Out of darkness, out of shame. By the cross you are the truth, You are the life, you are the way
Lift my hands and spin around, See the light that i have found. Oh the marvelous light Marvelous light
How do you write about something fantastic? How can i convey the thoughts and feelings i felt in the moments at which my time was spent in VA? Which words can best describe my surroundings? How can i remember all that happened? The details that i tried to repeat in my mind so that they could be retold are slowly drifting away into the abyss of scattered thoughts.
But all i can say was that it was spectacularly fun. I had an amazing time spending with family and seeing movies that will come out in theatres months from now, walking down brick streets aligned with trees and cafes and boutiques. It was lovely
I had a bad day today! I dont know why though! I mean i had very easy midterms that I know i got A's on and school was just a normal day at school. Cell group was tonight, i love cell group! But why did tonight just leave me feeling just bad all together. I mean yeah, i have midterms that I just dont want to have tomorrow and that may be stressing on me. And you know when i said that i needed to talk to a certain person sometime soon...well that had to have been weeks ago and that has still yet to happen. And as much as i resist, i do really want to talk it out. But as i look upon the future the time isnt opening itself up anytime soon. And its not like i can talk to anyone...i need to talk to her. Why do we both have to be so freaking busy all the time? Ahh... i have to study.
AHHH...It is 9:54pm and i have to write a paper and send it to my teacher before 12:00am...thats only like 2 hours away!! I feel like i am in college already! I have midterms tomorrow that i didnt study for and i mean they are both of my electives but still this is my midterm!! I can do this, i can do this, i can do this...what if i cant do this? What if i fall asleep while writing my paper and i dont turn it in and then tomorrow i over sleep and i dont get to my first period midterm in time and what if i am too tired to even finish it and i fail. I hate negative what if questions but i am so thinking them right now. Im trusting that God will give me the strength for the next two days.
Ahhh Jess' voice always seems to calm me...gotta love her. Steph
How do I speak so that you will understand? How do i act that will let you see the truth? How can I encourage this in you? How do i begin? How do I explain so that you will listen? How can I look into your eyes and let you see my joy? How do I scream this love without scaring you away? How do I teach without insulting? How do I lead when i am still being led? How can I repeat those words that I am slowly learning myself? How can my lips and my little voice convey the mercy and sacrifice? How can I... little me share the works of Christ? I speak with my lips through His spirit. I act only in a way that would please His heart. I encourage by His works in my life. I begin and end with Him. I explain the truth and nothing but the truth. I live everyday with the joy of His gracious love and Holy Spirit in the fiber of my being. I will scream His love to the world no matter the cost to me. I will teach His words and His truth only. He will lead me to the words and actions to lead others. He will grant me the exact words to say at the exact moment needed. With His whispers I shall scream His story.
I have nothing...I am nothing but a vessel for His plans and His mercy and His forgiveness and His love and His glory and His righteousness, I am only His.
ahhh. So much to think about...literally. Midterms whoa they definitely just popped up on me real fast. French = solid. Chemistry = even more solid. Technical Theatre = don't even have to think solid. Algebra II = after some good studying could be solid. I even have a few tests two days before midterms...wait that's tomorrow. Oh goodie. Well at least i have the weekend to look forward too.
Sleep beckons even though that means tomorrow will come fast which means everything comes faster...urrgaa...well my sleepiness trumps those other thoughts.
8 friends, 1 mom, 1 million things to look at, 1 something, food...lots and lots of food/fair food, fountain meetings, reactions of the disgusting, a case yet to be solved, "get silly, get silly", a mountain of fries, rain, familiar faces, the stage/the lights/the crew....all i want to be right there, Leeland, awesome amazingness that shouldn't have ended so soon, Skillet, Wow, not really a fan but now after that...yes awesome, amazement, comparing hands, smiles, ending with a great song, HOT!!, cold outside, peeling "it" off, lookin out for the little bro, rides rides and more rides, The Vortex= NOOO......okay yes. Nerbous!, the cutest I love you, Are you okay?, Awesome ride!, shaking legs, death texts...wow that sounds worse than it actually is, search for more food, feet hurting, piggy back rides, goodbyes, Sheets run, home, goodbyes again, sleep, dreams of the night...
So what to write....what to write?I could write about the boo boo on my arm but I've done enough talking about that. I could write about how it is so cold out and i love it but that's so typical bloggy. I could write about how it is Friday and i am happy that weekend has come but i would just be repeating myself from other of my posts.
I just want to write, thats why i started this. I want to write my thoughts out so i can look back upon them later. I love writing and im decent at it...not great but i can write pretty well. When i go without writing for a while...my fingers ache to type and my mind races with thoughts to be recorded. I dont care if people read this or not cause its just my place...scary but, my mind out loud. I say what i feel and what i think and my emotions and its amazing to write without thinking just typing as if your fingers have a mind of their own and to just go and write everything. i love it.
You know time is so simple but so complex at the same time. There is endless amounts of time but also there is so few "times" where you actually feel like you have that much of it. Even after you die there is still eternity...which is beyond my grasp of thought. Eternity...seriously there is nothing about that word that i can comprehend. This time we spend here on earth is like an instant compared to eternity...whoa that's crazy! Just the time in the day to me seems so short and there is never enough of it. Everyday rushing to get my homework done or this chore finished or this task complete. I want to talk to this person...no i actually really need to talk to this person...but i seem to be always rushing to the next thing and i don't have time for that talk or that hug. There is no time to get in a smile some days and i love to smile, truly smile at something or someone i really love. And when it gets to the point where "i think" i don't have time to spend with God that's when i fail. I fail at everything and i break down and i realize how much i need Him in my life. Time is a beautifully intricate and simple thing. But one thing is for certain...I have time for Him, i have time for Christ. And after that He will fill my time with what i truly need, what i need to fulfill His plan for my life. If that doesn't include the things i want, then i am okay with that cause He is my desire more than those things i simply want to fill my time.
Finally not resisting Christ inking in my planner,
Yesterday i woke up beside my sister... i missed that. I got ready pretty fast and ran upstairs, then a family prayer to top off the morning at the house. We drove to the church on this cold Sunday and upon arrival my smile couldn't be contained. Corner instructional and prayer with hands held. Then we sat, a group of people i love so dearly. So many people had come and with each one that entered the door my smile and my nerves became bigger. Then the time came where i "pounded it," stood up and walked to the door. Behind that door i walked back and forth and tried to compose myself before going into the water... my friend was making it difficult. My turn. I took a step into that warm water with my smiling youth pastor awaiting me. Through the nerves and the shaky voice i made my way through my testimony. Then it was time i grabbed hold of my youth pastors arm and he lead me under the water. When i arose everyone was clapping but they weren't clapping for me they were clapping for Christ. They were clapping for Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior, they were clapping for his righteousness and His glory and His power and His worthiness and His all consuming love and His mercy and for His radiating spirit. They i ran through freezing air with wet hair. I got dressed in warm dry clothes and smiled as i ran in heels to get back to the church to see my best friend and my brother, respectively, get baptized just like i had done just a few minutes before. And with ragged breath that is exactly what i did. After praising God once more [ i could have gone for hours] i ran to the people i love. So many hugs i gave and received. A face i hadn't seen in a while made my heart grow even larger [ i didn't think it was possible]. The whole morning was full of big smiles and even bigger hugs. And then i hugged her and i didn't want to let go...cause she makes me happy and i love her and she was partly the reason i was wet that morning. But as i let go and we separated for the moment i saw a group of friends that i seriously could spend every day with. I talked and laughed and glanced and smiled even bigger and wish that we would have stayed all together right there forever. But we all had to leave sooner than later and the sooner came a little to quick for my liking. As i said my goodbyes and rushed around and said this to that person and that to this person i was happy...completely happy. The day didn't end there... in the next hour or two i was back with a friend...talking, drinking coffee, wink winking, almost falling asleep on a couch at starbies, making a completely stupid and random video that is seriously hilarious and then joining back with those people that i could spend every day with. We sat in a circle of girls and let the boys play football and we sat on our side and we praised truly praised The Holy One, and we listened and we praised again. And guess what the night wasn't over there! We joined back [ well i wasn't supposed to but that's okay] at "my family's" place and just had a wonderful time in fellowship with each other and jumped on a trampoline when the air around us was freezing our lungs whenever we laughed and we just enjoyed being with the people we love. What an amazing day with amazing prospects for the week? And maybe i'll get to spend some time with her this week...
Praise be to God for such an amazing day declaring my love for Him.
Im getting baptized this Sunday and i am super duper excited and i cant wait...But. My friend just got sick like the stomach kind and i hate that cause i really want her there when i get baptized. I mean she is one of the main people i would say that has helped me get to this point in my relationship with Christ. She means so much to me and to think of her not being able to be there just makes me so sad! I want to believe that she is going to be all better by Sunday morning but im scared shes not.
God please make her tummy feel better cause i love her and i dont like her to be sickhen!
Tonight i had a great time...i laughed for the sake of laughing and i jumped so high i could reach the stars and i got called "Deffff" and i made a basket! and i ate FunFetti cake and i was an "old dead lady" ahahahhaha and i played with a baby doll with a little girl that i love so dearly.
I am ecstatic for this weekend...Sunday in particular but tomorrow seems promising as well. Oh what a smile is on my face! Christ you have been amazing to me...you have given me friends when i didnt want them and you have given me a love for something that i would not have even known if i hadnt had moved away. By simply trusting you and giving you my everything you have made my life better than i could have ever imagined. Jesus Christ my Lord you are my desire and I want you in my life more than i have ever wanted anything else in my entire existence. Show me my gift, that i may carry out your will. I am listening Lord ears completely open to you whispers. Come and call on me and i will follow...
Give me one pure and holy passion
Give me one magnificent obsession
Jesus, Give me one glorious ambition for my life
To know and follow hard after you,
To know and follow hard after you
To Grow and your disciple and your truth
This world is empty pale and poor compared to knowing you my Lord
Lead me on and i will RUN after you.
Lead me on and i will RUN after you.
That is my cry tonight as i go into this weekend...hands open and eyes closed here to worship you my Lord Jesus.
Im going for the list today cause that's all i can think to write.
What has made me happy this week?
This weekend is hastily coming this way, two new antique cameras!, Theater, late night talks on the loverlySkype, writing messages to people that could probably use a lift, the prospect of talking to her, the fact that i am going to see [another] her [for the first time this week], ive been writing again, looking back into the past, pondering on the future, thoughts of the one that makes me smile, SUNDAY!!, Alison Krauss and Union Station/Shane & Shane/The Weepies, the prospect of meeting him, awaiting The Family Cookout @ The Apt, hitting the snooze a little bit to much but its nice anyway, being late to cell group cause of a little stop at Cook Out, What if...the best daydreaming topic, new joys to every person that is coming into town, unread letter that is sure to hold excitement, gentlemen, Miller Ball and getting a goal!!, skinnys and a T-shirt everyday, de baskets, spirit week, hanging with hannah tonight, teeth pain has subsided, lovely friendships, and pony tails....theres more but i have to get ready for HGeezers tonight.
It marks one year. One year ago tomorrow i cried harder than i have ever cried in my life. It was painful...physically and mentally. Even bringing it back makes my heart ache and my throat get warm. Don't cry...don't cry...don't cry. Its too late now, those thoughts are useless, the tears are rolling down my rosy cheeks. What do I do? I'm alone and everyone I need are busy or elsewhere. They are falling harder now and my eyes cant hold on to them anymore. Christ is here...I feel him holding me. He comforts me, he tells me everything will be alright through Him. He tells me not to lose sight of that and to hold onto that promise. I'm holding, I'm trying to hold...but it hurts, my hands are sore and red from grasping so tight. I am weakened so He holds me up. And though the pain is still there He will get me through my tears and get me through October 14th.
Tear stains are still visible and will be for a while but with His help and others in His name they will be washed away.
Ahh. Oh what a lovely feeling it is to relax and look back upon my week. I have been running full speed from Monday morning at 7am to this very night at 9:26pm. At that exact time [ i checked] i walked out of those glass doors and exited my school into a cool night breeze with a bouquet of flowers in one hand and a script in the other. As i did this a smile appeared on my face because i got through it and it was fun and it was tough and it was a great opportunity and it was interesting and it was an experience and it was over...well at least for the next couple of weeks. And tomorrow i get to see faces that i have missed so dearly this past week. So I am going to listen to some music [ cause that makes any moment better ] eat some food and then fall asleep and soon see those faces.
with a face that can do nothing but smile, Thanks to God for this amazing week...
My mind is zooming at 300000 miles an hour and i just want it to stop. Only for a moment just so Christ can consume me. At that moment when nothing else is entering my delicate mind and it is just myself and the one i call my true Heavenly Father...its like the feeling of the first day of Fall. So comforting, so new, so familiar, so happy, so home, so pure, so safe, so lovely. Just to read those words that i have just typed so gently makes me desire Him even more. His presence in my life "makes my life." A friend and I were talking tonight about that phrase..."this makes my life" i mean everything makes up a part of your life but in all seriousness Christ makes up my entire being, who I am now was formed by giving my life up for His name. I was changed from that peppy pre-teen that wanted to please and to be accepted by others to a girl whose only purpose is to bring her Lord glory. I don't care about what people think of me or my style and i don't feel the need to please anyone but Christ my Savior. I want people to know that what i am comes from Him and Him only. Praise be to The Almighty One for He is worthy.
I really want to sit here and do nothing but look only to God. It seems to be getting harder and harder these days to find the time to sit and do nothing but spend time with my heavenly Father. All these things keep piling up on top of me and as hard as I reach I am not strong enough to get to Him. Christ I need you, more than ever now. Everyday I am in a place where there are getting to be less and less people that know and are followers of You. I cant get away from it all. And as my body is getting weakened by the fight to keep going also my heart is getting weakened by the fight to keep You first.
Ahh relaxation, what a beautiful thing. Just to sit here and listen to The Weepies [cause they can always make me happy] and not have to worry about taking notes or keeping on book or to go get the props for this show or make sure this assignment gets done, just to sit here and talk to my sister and do nothing. I am so thankful to have this moment cause i needed it really bad. Now my sister and I can talk and laugh and smile without worries and this is the cure for what my present state has been. But as this time is ticking away and only 15mins are left hanging around that's my cue to press publish post and get ready for another few hours of responsibility.
smiling thinking of this one moment in particular,
I love being busy, i really do. High school is awesome and some people know how nerdy i am about that fact that i just stated. I love what my job, my roll is in my high school. I am honored and i am so happy about that roll. Its rough some days and tiring and just draining but i love it. You may see in my eyes that i am worn out and sleepy but i cant deal with that, that's not a problem to me. I will push through cause God has given me a great opportunity and i plan to do this job to the best of my ability and shine for Him as i go through my day. But speaking of being worn out that is my cue to go into that lovely room and fall asleep with the music playing in my ear and a smile upon my face and tomorrow morning i will get up in the dark hours and get ready and hold my head high for another long day of what i love doing.