I will but I am

Whoa, a moment. I have a moment to just sit here and type to my hearts content...well at least for another hour if i wish. Day to day, hour to hour, minute by minute. That's my life right now, if you looked at my planner you would get a headache...i do sometimes. But it is all worth it, i am striving for my goal. I want to get this, i need to work hard and prove that I can do this. This is my life i am striving for, my plans for the rest of my tiny existence is kind of depend on what i do NOW, not later and not when i am older, NOW. At 7am every morning till the time i leave my school every afternoon or even night, I am Superwoman [ or at least i try to be]. Yes i can do that, I will get that A, I will stay after, I will take on this or that, i will stay up late to get this done or study for this, I will be the best at all that i take on, I will smile every day, I will impress, I will be beyond qualified, i will show them I can handle this job, I will...fail. As I run around every day all day long i realized that i am weak, i am tired, i am worn, i am young, i am older than thought, i am struggling, i am nothing without Him.

Christ I am holding onto the fact that you have a plan for my life. You know what you are doing with my life and you make me something more than just Stephanie Lauren a girl from a small town and a big family. I am your servant, here to fulfill your blueprint of my life. With you I am strong, I am rested, I am prepared, I can have that smile on my face every day. With You Lord I can do anything.

With paint on my fingers i type,

Steph

My Week in list form

I'm in the need of a list in my life so here we go, where should i start well lets go back to the beginning of the week;

Monday, downtown after school let out, Holly Aiken Bags, Dads loft of an office, cobble stone streets in downtown [can you believe cause i didnt and i saw it], dinner with mexican music and a cute baby, life passing by the window, starbucks and large conversations, Tuesday, awards breakfast, top 100 of the class, everyone = sick [including yours truly], mistaken rooms, long day, Wednesday, 7 to 6:30pm, tech class was just fun, tackling hugs, dream journals, cell group, "The Womb", sick =[, laughter, fun, never fails, i love Wednesdays, Thursday, half day, The Gettys, sitting in a row listening to great music, glasses, Sasquatch, yeti = baby Sasquatch= me, Tim Burton doing Alice in Wonderland, Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter and Pirates 4, Brownie Sundays, the crew at my house not ours anymore, The Office fun, tucking in with boots on, Saying goodbye to all, not getting to sleep until Friday, Friday, falling asleep with window open and Getty music being played, day of comfort and sweatshirts, Whistle Down the Wind and no 3rd period, Heatherhen awaiting me when the final bell rang, then gilgirls and a nice chat, Pei Wei and driving in cool cars, to top it off a movehen.

All this beauty,

Steph

5 mins before 5 hours.

This cant be a long post cause i have 5 hours before i need to be up again. But today was just an amazing day and i loved it so much. From the half day to Sasquatch [or Yeti] to The Gettys to brownies to the office with friends. But now i am off to go listen to my Getty's CD and fall asleep with the wind open so i can hear the breeze.

Goodnight,

Steph

Tired, worn out, loaded down

Tonight i am just tired in every sense of the word. But i determined not to get me down. As i look forward to the future, i see a packed schedule. Everyday except Saturday and Sunday 4pm to 6pm unless it is Tuesday then 4pm to 8pm. First Saturday of October 9am to 9pm, next Mon - Wed. 4pm to 9pm every night. Thursday equals opening night be there at 5pm and Friday is just the same. Saturday be at school at noon, doors open @ 2:30pm and then again at 7pm, be there all day. Oh but how i love what i am doing.

God give me the strength to get up everyday and hold my head high for You, i need your strength.

Steph

Witnessing His Work

Tonight I walked in black flats on a cobble stone path in the middle of the downtown streets. The sun was setting over the buildings and reflecting against their windows. A slight cool breeze blew throughout the streets and across my face. A smile apparent on my face of the wonder that God placed me to live in. I witnessed culture and old black men sitting at a Barber shop talking about life and little kids running through a park playing tag and awesome outfits and people holding Starbucks in one hand and cell phone in the other while trying to unlock their car all at the same time. I saw a couple holding hands while walking down the street and a dad and his baby smiling at each other and a family praying over dinner and a dog jump on a boy licking his face and business men and women being freed from their jobs and horns being blown and cars being driven. I witnessed life and loved every moment of it.

Why not make the best of this wonderful world we live in? Wanna join me in loving everything Christ has bestowed upon us, even if it means enjoying homework or waking up early or working or the person that is getting on your nerves?

Steph

When I Grow Up...No longer.

I am not too young to adore Christ. I am not too young to find His path for me. I am not too young follow His call on my life. I am not too young to worship the Lord my God with all my heart. I am not too young to act on the Holy Spirit's love. I am not too young to understand that God is bigger than all of this world. I am not too young to live a life desiring more of Jesus Christ.

1 Timothy 4:12

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith, and in purity

running in the opposite direction,

Steph

Your work

What am i here for? Christ what is my purpose? I have a gift, a passion, a calling. This is a field of work that hardly anyone enters, why me? Christ why me? You have a reason, You have a plan for me. What can i do to honor You with this passion? Christ what can i do for You? I want You to work in me. Christ work in me. When i am wrapping a cord or focusing a light I want You to pour out of my smile. Christ pour out of my metal smile. Let my employers or teachers or whoever i am with see my desire for You. Christ let everyone see my desire for You. Do what you want with me and i will say Yes Lord. Christ do what you will with me.

Why me? Christ why have you chosen me?

Yours and here for Your work,

Steph

The nights we wished would repeat themselves forever.

One of my first posts on this lovely blog of mine was titled "Moments we wished went on forever," and i just had another one of those but this time it was an entire night. Really it was an entire day. I was picked up after school and whisked away for a time of laughter and smiles. It started with one and she, wow she, means the world to me. We sat on my bedroom floor and talked [it felt like i did most of the talking...hehe]. We talked about life and how i seem to be getting way older by the moment ( we both agreed on that one). I will be on to college in less than 3 years...oh my gosh! But anyway, she talked and i listened (then made a sarcastic remark =]) and i couldn't have spent my day any better than spending time with her. So on to the rest of my night. We came back to The Apt to the sound of music [and not the movie]. The next 45 minutes was my favorite moment of the entire night. They sang and they played and I sat and I listened and i smiled. Their voices are so beautiful and together they are the dream team and i love it so much. But then dinner needed to be made so off they were to get it ready and I to sit on the stool and give moral support. One after the other they arrived from 30 mins away to 3 hours away. Hugs of welcome were given and received. A lovely dinner was eaten with six plates six forks six drinks and six girls. The music of laughter was ringing throughout The World's Best Apartment. Then to Baby Mama and funfetti cake and peanut butter ice cream.

A lovely combination of six girls, a hilarious movie, junk food, a guitar, and a room full of gorgeous voices. LOVE!

"Im just bein, sarcastic"

Steph

Unbelievably Blessed

Everything that i could wish for I have right here and right now! Christ Jesus my Lord has provided me with everything i could ever dream of and I am so thankful for it! Oh my gosh i want to jump up and scream. From the people to the plans to the opportunities, i am blessed.

Thank you Lord...for everything.

Steph

Coffee Talk

I completely love friends. Tonight i sat with friends outside drinking coffee and talking about names we wanted to name our future children. Such a simple girls subject but it was so funny and so happy and so blissful. We talked and we listened and we laughed, i don't think you could have a better youth group. Then we joined the rest and they made my day. The smiles apparent on their faces were the delight of my night. Tonight i laughed so hard i cried and smiled so big that my face hurts and I hugged so hard that i didn't want to let go. Good gosh what a great night.

Still smiling,

Steph

Holding onto Him

So i was sitting at my computer, wondering what to say and how to get my fingers to press on the keys in front of me. I was thinking of my day at school, what about that could i write about? I walk those large hallways 5 days a week, i sit in those classrooms for 7 hours out of my day. What do I observe? Sadness and a lot of emptiness. I go through my day hearing and seeing things that just make me want to cry cause a lot of the people around me are completely lost. But then i am like what can i do? There are more than 3000 teenagers at my school and more than half are not even willing to hear the word Christ or if they do its, if they are saying it in vain. I feel like i am so small compared to this school but i know God is bigger than all of this and He is my strength.

Lord give me the strength to be bold for you,

Steph

Crowned

I woke up to see the 7 day forcast being all in the lovely 70s. Fall is coming and i am so ready! I was so happy today i felt like doing something different, just cause i can and i wanted to. I put a ribbon around my head and became an indian princess. All day no matter the reaction to my "different" hair style approach, i was His princess. What more can i ask for?

But why do i deserve my crown to be so soft when His was painful?

Steph

How much better can a monday get?

I went to school and i liked it. The final bell rang and i loved it. I heard pepper called from the car i soon entered. I spent 2 hours at Target and got to see the price reach past $200. I went to the apt and did my homework. I helped cook a fabulous meal by WiSH. I watched a movie with the closest of friends and laughed until i cried. I sat next to a mentor a friend a make believe sister and watched and listened as she played a lovely instrument. I didnt want to leave.

On another subject, i just want to praise Christ Jesus for blessing me with all those things i listed above. I am so glad to know that He is with me at all times. He is the sunlight i squint to every morning when i leave my house, He is the wind that blows through my hair, He is the hug i get from a friend, He is chill i get when i step out of my bed in the morning, He is the random smile that appears on my face during the day, He is the sound of the guitar being played by their fingers, He is the smile of a friend's face, He is the grass that i walk on, He is the oxygen i live on, He is the music that is consistent in my mind, He is the bed i sleep in at night, He is... my everything.

Ahh He is amazing,

Steph

Choose

Today was great! enough said. actually i dont think i could leave it like that. Anyway, my day, [and it is going to be another list, cause you know how much i love those]

Sunday school, pictionary mystery, secret text msgs that were sent to no one, yoyo tricks, joking with him, smiling with her, eating with them, watching a movie that never fails to put me to sleep, nap, the apt, decisions on the tree, car ride with her, setting up, knowing were everything is and where everything goes, knowing what to do next, looking up to her, cords/microphones/microphone stands/music stands/rugs[not overlapping], plugging this into that, laughing while doing all of this, have time with Christ while they practice, a car ride with 4 in a 3 seater, closed, the search, cookout, discussion about poultry, incredible worship the entire night, proclaiming His name and i didn't care who saw me and what they thought, a birthday surprise, glances, When I Grow Up, no longer a "teen", baptismal, striking equipment, rolling of the rugs, wrapping of LOTS of cords, arm stinging, spending time with her [=) so happy], tackles, sitting on counters with her eating cake and talking[again with the so happy factor], a place that had things now empty, a new camera, talk of travel, hang out needed, SNL skits, i love her, goodbyes with the prospect of tomorrows sighting, Goodnights to all.

Oh tomorrow is going to be a lovely day,

Steph

High School vs. College

Ah, i have mixed feelings tonight. Really just about one subject in particular, college vs. high school. Let the arguments begin.

I love high school! It is so much fun and there are so many great opportunities being in high school. I love the environment of high school and books and the homework and the responsibilities. I love the chance to learn with your friends. I love staying after. Compared to college it feels safe and sheltered. I love how we have a principle that can let you get into the school if you get locked out. I just love it.

BUT...

I just feel like i will adore college. The freedom of it, the importance. Meeting new people, taking fun classes that lead to my major. Becoming a real lighing and sound techie! I just cant wait, it is going to be awesome! But i am scared that i might leave, i don't want to leave this place where i love and i have people that love me. But i am willing to go wherever God guides me. I want to go to a college that has a small town, a beautiful town. I just went to the town of WF tonight and i think i fall more in love with it every time i enter those streets. It is a quiet small town with a seminary in the middle with gorgeous steeples and brick buildings and a stone wall the follows the edge of the property. There are big oak trees that wistle when the wind passes through them and a railroad that runs behind downtown. When you come to the main downtown, it is two rows of brick buildings and i am just in love with it. If i could choose one place where i live to go and spend my time, it would be outside in downtown WF. ahh.

Well by the end of this discussion with myself i kinda got side tracked but that's me.

Still undecided,

Steph

The last 111 hours

The last few days have been a blur of going to sleep too late and waking up way too early for my tired mind. Monday through Friday up by 6:00am [ if not earlier, depending on homework] and sleep by 10:30pm [if I'm lucky]. And here i go with my list of this week... school, tech work, Fletcher Theatre, incomplete room, incomplete wardrobe, Reports, papers, tests, quizzes, lockers, birthdays, friends, a big long hug that i wanted/needed last night, running from 1st floor to 3rd floor back to 1st floor and then to 2nd floor everyday, lighting inventory, hanging lights, apartment, laughter, smiles, secrets being shared and surprised at, apparently "having a life", joking around with a good friend, talking to someone i haven't talked to in years, eating cheese doodles, falling asleep with music on, listening to "Fall" music, missing a couple of people, watched a sunrise, was in tears calling out to God to show me what I can do for Him, sat in a room listening to great worship music with a bunch of friends, stood in the rain, smiled just for the sake of smiling, looked up to her even more, and plenty of other things but that would be a very long post.

Friday is on its way,

Steph

My little lift.

I love how one comment from someone, one hug, one smile, one wink can just make your day! I just had one of those lovely comments and i am so thankful for the ones that come my way. Today i was just tired... like mentally and physically and those 7 words just made a smile come to my face. They gave me a little lift to this mostly dry day.

Oh how i love my friends!

Steph♥

Lovely!

I am so freaking excited right now and the thing is i am under firm orders not to reveal why!!! It is so awesome and oh my gosh [ pronounced as if Heather was saying it ]!!! I just hope something happens with this news i was just given in all secrecy. Oh but i wish i could tell someone! Cause it is spectacular and i am so happy! Ahhhh. Okay now calming down so i can get some sleep! hehe.

Ahh that one,

Steph

Realizing my true home.

Have you ever moved? Away from everything you know and love and it be completely permanent? This is your thought process... I hate this place and i will never like it! then a year later... Okay its not bad but it will never be home! Then two years later... Oh my gosh i could never leave this place this IS home. It may not be like this for everyone but for me that's what it was. I cant believe how much my life has changed in the past three years of my life. I still remember that night when i found out that my family was moving. You wanna know what my response was..."Are you serious?" 4 months later i left straight from my school at 3:20pm to my new house in a whole different city. And now, whoa now, 2 years 3 months and 1 day later, I can't imagine myself ever leaving [but I don't know God's plan for my life yet]. I have so many amazing things here and so many things that i have learned and have gained by living here! I have gained a relationship with Christ Jesus my Lord that I have never had before. I have gained unbelievably amazing friends that i just adore. I have gained a teacher/mentor. I have gained two make-believe sisters. I have found out what i want to do with my life [as of now, its all up to God]. I love this place and I love that God placed me here even though I was pressing on my brakes the entire way! I realized throughout all of this, I am home anywhere i go cause Christ is my home and He is never away from me.

Thanks for knowing what is better for me Lord,

Steph

Crying Out To Him!

Wow, tonight! amazing wonderful crazy spectacular flattening... those are few of the endless words that could describe my feelings the entire night. It is one night i will remember my whole lifetime.

Stef May, i don't even know her very well but i heard her speak tonight and found out that she is an amazing woman! She spoke and we were captivated, she asked and we answered, she loved and made us want that love. I listened to one of the best sermons i have heard tonight and was shattered into a million pieces. The best kind of night is the one where you are in tears over Christ Jesus our Lord! This was definitely the one of those best nights.

Good gosh! All i want to do is scream out to God with every fiber of my being...BE MY EVERYTHING! I want to know his plans for my life so i can shine and praise Him all the days of my life. I hear that i am going to do something big with my life but WHAT? Am heading in the direction that You are wanting me to go God? I WANT YOU GOD! Why should anything on earth be of my desire when You are available to all that call on You sincerely? I am crying out to You, Lord, "I Will Choose To Call On Christ In Me"

When things started to come to a close and as the band began to play those words above the tears had begun to stain my face. I walked into that room with awaiting arms open and a time of prayer was what I needed. After my breathing came back to normal and there were only remnants of my tears in my eyes i emerged to an others comforting arms. She said something to me that means so much to me! and i want her to know that ( i love you Cat).

At the end of the night to top everything off, we had a MASH (meet at someones house). It was so great to laugh with my friends. To joke and play around with some of my favorite people in the world. I am still smiling over some of the happenings that went on at that house tonight! haha.

And again the only disappointment was that i didn't get to spend as much time with that one friend i have been meaning to talk to. Every time I think i am about to I chicken out, mostly cause of some lame reason like I don't want to bother her with me or she is busy or something along those lines. But i know if i really did come to her and say can i talk to you, she would be more than happy. It is just me sometimes...if you haven't figured out already i am shy and a little weird all rolled into one.

Falling asleep with the tear stains on my face,

Steph

I got my sunrise.

Outside sitting on a red chair i watched as the sun rose over the earth. What a beautiful sight that was. The air around me was cool but not cold and warm but not hot. I was enveloped in the wet crystal Sunday morning. As i sat waiting for the sun to fully break through the bondage of the night, a lonely bird sang out to the heavens. Why doesn't the world see that? Why don't they see how great God is? He made THIS! This wonderful, magnificent place of life.

It is written, Christ is risen!

Steph

The Last 24 hours

I am sitting on my bed [ wow MY bed...weird] so sleepy my fingers cant find the right keys to press. I come to find out tonight that if i don't eat two meals in a row and the dinner the night before... my blood sugar runs low and i get real sleepy and headachey, weird huh. Anywho my day...my day was just full of trying to get through it. Lots of things on my mind and cleaning to do. I didn't get anytime alone with God and that just weakened my spirits even more. As the night came i was recruited to do some slide work for this big worship night my church was holding tonight, the one thing i was excited about the whole day. So i got all dressed, i love looking pretty hehe. And to the church i went. I wish i could have focused on the night more but i had task at hand that had to be dealt with but my friend came up to me right before it started and took me aside and told me to focus on Christ the entire night and have my task take the backseat. So i did and it was amazing, although some moments i got distracted but i tried my hardest to keep on the Lord. The one thing that bugged me about tonight was that i got about a total of 5 mins with a friend that i wanted to talk about an hour with. I needed her hug, i needed her advice, i needed her guidance, i needed her strength, i needed her reassurance, i just needed her. But there is always a tomorrow right?

hoping for that sunrise tomorrow,

Steph

Inspiration

Wow, me, an inspiration! Cant you believe it? I sure cant! I am just me, nothing more nothing less. How can the things i do inspire people? I am so glad it has but, whoa seriously? Thank you God for letting something that i am passionate about shown and spread to others!

Here's that smile again,

Steph

The End.

So here it comes, the end. Tomorrow its official, no more. I've been too busy to see it...well let me correct myself on that one, I've been keeping myself busy so i didn't have to see it. I have heard all of these "comforts" or the things people say to make you feel better about it, Its a good thing, Things aren't going to change that much, Our relationship will grow because of this, We are only ten minutes away, we will be over all the time, you will be over all the time, and [worst] you will get your own room now. THERE IS NO COMFORT IN THAT STATEMENT RIGHT THERE! That reminds me that i am going to be alone, that there is no one in my family that i get along with like we do. And i know that all of these statements were meant in a good way but every time i hear one the lump just grows in my throat. I am standing looking out onto this big huge thing called the Unknown and it scares me. Tomorrow i will be sitting in an empty room with white walls and suitcases [literally]. I have a friend coming to spend the night tomorrow, i don't want them to!! All i want is to sit in my room alone cause i need that time alone. Cause i don't crack in front of people, i don't [or at least i try my hardest]! And believe me, i think it is totally incredibly STUPID that i am crying right now! Its not like she is moving to a different state or something, not even across town...its really on my side of town. But its so stinking hard. I'm such a pansy! Okay i am done! I am composing myself and walking into my bedroom and packing!

and scene,

Steph

It happened overnight...

Wow, what a full schedule ahead of me! I mean i have church (youth group & cell group), school...of course, Tech work for church, Tech Work for Wakefield Theatre Company, Tech Work for NC Theatre @ Fletcher, Homework, ITS ( International Thespian Society), Sister Moving Out Day, Film Festival, Aunts coming, Wakefield Theatre Company's productions productions productions, and somewhere between the madness...having a life.

Loving every moment of it,

Steph

Only a moment.

Okay i only have a moment but let this moment be of rejoice of all the things God is blessing me with! School, TECH WORK! ( i cant thank Him enough), Theatre, film festivals, friendships, sister, classes, church ( wow i love my church), mentor, teachers, learning, a smile on my face, a schedule, a life, hugs, email, encouragement, love, laughter.., and so much more but should be studying right now so there.

Tee He he

Steph