Sunday, May 10, 2009

An "Aha" Moment for an Idiot

Why cant everyday be just Jess and I sitting at a coffee shop in the Spring sun just spending lovely time with each other? Why cant everyday be me sitting in a room with 5 of the best girls in the world? Why cant everyday be me taking 500 pictures of *Jessica Lyndon Ray* at the beach? Why cant everyday be setting up for a big event? Why can't everyday be Whitta and I sitting on my front lawn staring at the stars?

I don't know what Im doing with my life. I want to be done with high school. I want to be able to help out with Lifted stuff 24/7. I want to help out with Jess's band 24/7.

I just feel like I cant move. Im not moving in any forward motion and im just standing still. I dont know what Im gunna be doing with my life after high school. Yes it is so logical for me to go to college...but for what? and what do i do afterward? There is only one thing that is constant and will continue to be constant and that is Jesus Christ. Time is fading, friendships last a moment.

I cant depend on Jess because she is human and she isnt gunna be here for my entire life, right by my side guiding me through every moment of my being. She is gunna go off and get famous and ill see her every few months and then every several months and then every few years and then every several years and then i will see her every once and a while and then what...I cant be dependent on her.

I cant depend on Whitta because she is human. Because she will grow up and find herself a husband and have adorable kids that she will have to raise and nurture. We will talk and see each other every so often but I cant be dependent on her.

I cant depend on Catherine because she is human. Because she is gunna go and be something serious. And we will talk every so often and we will catch up and she will have some amazing advise for me and I will just cherish that time we have together however far inbetween we go before doing it again. But i cant be dependent on her for everything.

He is the only one i can depend on.

How slowly I learned that and am still learning that! Wow! There was a time where i think i worshiped Jess. Im not joking. I mean I wasnt like falling on the ground and praising her or anything like that but I just thought she was the coolest thing in the world and she was so amazing and she could solve any of my problems. I just looked up to her so much that it just developed into me just adoring the ground she walked on. And i still think she is the coolest thing and she IS so amazing and I love her to death but I also realized how much of an idiot i was! I mean yeah she is fantastic and i love her as my mentor/friend/sister but she isnt perfect and she makes mistakes because she is human. And I realized that wow what am I doing? God is the only one I can truly be completely dependent on! Wow I am such a human sometimes!

Christ you are better.
I can depend on Christ...thats a lovely feeling.

It just took a lot to actually say all of that!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I love that, "I am such a human sometimes."

love you...